Stubbornness can be inherited

Stubbornness is a trait (hmmm is that the right word?) that seems to run in my family. I believe it runs on my mom's side of the family, sorry mom!

To understand this stubbornness that runs in my family we have to start with my Mamaw. I would say she is probably one of the most stubborn women I have ever met. If she didn't want to do something, she didn't do it. If she didn't agree with you, her opinions were rarely ever changed. I do not think I really understood how stubborn my Mamaw was until I was a teenager. After my Pappy had passed away, my Mamaw stooped into what I can only describe as depression. I mean who wouldn't? and that's when I noticed how stubborn she really was. There were a few times where she refused to come to Christmas or Thanksgiving. Many times where she refused to see anyone's, mostly my mom's points of views. I saw how much that hurt my mom. My Mamaw relaxed a little more right before she had her stroke. However she's still stubborn, even with the physical disabilities she's left with because of her stroke. Her stubbornness still goes strong.

But the stubbornness doesn't stop at her. My mom has a bit of it in her, so do my brothers. I hate to admit it but so do I. If I honestly don't want to do something, I won't do it. Or I'll drag my feet the whole way, while doing it. Here is an example, when I was probably about 9 or 10 our family was playing a game, charades, a game which I hate by the way. It was my turn to act something out. I didn't want to, so I flat out refused to. This refusal turned into a big ordeal and finally my mom, who is also stubborn, said fine, you're not playing anymore. It's a funny memory now, but that is how our family's stubbornness coincides with one another.

I have two brothers. Both are stubborn in their own ways. My younger brother is stubborn when it comes to what he believes and his opinions. If you don't agree with him, it upsets him. My older brother is stubborn when it comes to listening to anyone else's opinions. But that's ok, because this trait makes them who they are.

It seems as though this baby I am carrying also possesses this same trait! Two days ago we went for my 19 week ultrasound. My mom went with me and we were both excited to know what the gender is. However after the tech did all her measurements and took forever to tell us anything (baby is completely healthy!) she informed us that although this baby is completely active and wouldn't stop moving, something she/he gets from my husband, this baby was sitting cross-legged Indian style (which I do all the time) and refused to let us see the gender. So unfortunately we didn't get to see what I am carrying, which is driving me nuts! It was a combination of my baby's stubbornness and the fact that we had a very mediocre not very good ultrasound tech. But I have come to terms with the fact that I may not get to know and will have to plan a gender neutral nursery.

I am just thankful this baby is healthy and has all his/her fingers and toes!

I personally think Ultrasound pics look creepy. But I do believe I have an adorable baby!

This is not a profile picture, unfortunately tech didn't give us one, this is my stubborn baby facing my spine (so no face in this pic just back of the head) and it shows shoulder, elbow and fingers. 

9 months and 2 weeks later...

It has been 9 months and 2 weeks since my precious baby David took his last breath, in my arms. I wish I could tell all of you that it's gotten easier. But that would be a bold faced lie. I can tell you that some days are easier. Then some days feel like the worst day ever. Quite a bit has happened in these past 9 months. Many blessings, bestowed on us by the Lord and many struggles. Emotional struggles. But amazing blessings.

Not to long after we lost David my husband got on at the factory Honda. A much better job than what he had. That in itself was a blessing. Six months later we received 3 blessings in one week. My husband received a promotion at Honda, (awesome!), he was also promoted to Associate Pastor at our church (double awesome!) and we found out that we were in fact pregnant. (Surprise!).

I am almost 5 months pregnant. (19 weeks 4 days). But I remember that day we found out, like it was yesterday. My husband and I were not trying to conceive. In fact we were trying NOT to conceive. Because of certain reasons I was not allowed different forms of birth control. My doctor informed me that I could not take the pill because it would coincide with my blood pressure medicine. She did not want to do the ring because of my recent c- section incision. And the shot, there was a reason I was not supposed to take the shot but I can't remember the reason anymore! So when I asked her what type of birth control I should use she said, condoms. However she wanted me to wait 9 months to conceive again. And I thought to myself, yea ok, with condoms? I don't think that will happen. and I was right. Well honestly, and this baby is proof, condoms aren't always effective. I am quite ok with the fact that they failed in this circumstance!

It was Father's Day. I had a hunch that I might be pregnant. I missed my period, and it had been stable for the past 5 months. So I waited a few days. Father's Day morning I got up early with my husband. I told him whatever happens, happens. And I took the tests, 2 tests. 3 very long minutes later we walked into the bathroom together, I took a deep breath and looked at the tests. My husband said, it's negative isn't it? Oh well that's ok. and I said, no, they are both positive. and showed him. I was in utter shock. But so very excited.  And so was he. I took the test, in a plastic baggie of course, and stuck it in my Dad's father's day card. We had already told my mom because she knew I was taking the test and was very anxious to know the answer. It took her all that was in her not to tell my dad! My brother also knew and both were very anxious for me to get to their house and give my dad his card.

He was ironing when we got there, I handed him his card and he said thanks. We had to wait patiently for him to get done ironing, finally I said open it dad! and when it did out fell the pregnancy test. He couldn't read it but assumed what it meant. Everyone was so excited. It was the best father's day ever (and I'm not a father!)

However, I do not want people to mistake my excitement for this baby as me being completely over my grief  about losing David. I am far from "over" my grief. I will never fully be "over" my grief. And this baby does not replace my David. However, just because I'm grieving David doesn't mean I can't be excited for this baby in the midst of that grief. And I am. I cherish everything having to do with this baby. Not to mention I am super nervous. So I ask if you are reading this to please say a prayer for me and my family and this baby. I am believing the best. And I know the Lord has given us this child. Just as he gave us David. For a reason.

What not to say (or do) to someone who has lost a baby.

After a person loses a baby we sometimes think it is our job to help them "out of their grief". But the fact is, it is not our job. Everyone grieves in their own way, at their own speed. Today, I decided to look up things you should not say to a person who has lost a baby. They were all very good and true. So I have decided to compile my own list. Everything on this list I have dealt with in some way, Sadly, whether these phrases have been said to me or these things been done in some way. Each of these things my family and I have experienced after losing David. Sometimes we should just take a few seconds before we open our mouths and think about what we are about to say or do.

What not to say to someone whose just lost a baby. Whether it be due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or prematurity, or another reason.

 1. It was God's will - This is a phrase I have heard many times over. While I am a Christian and I do believe in God's will, this did not help one bit. No grieving parent wants to hear that the loss of their child was in God's "plan". This offers little to no comfort. It also just makes them more upset that "God's plan" did not include their child, after that child was given to them.

2. It was probably for the best - First of all how do you know what is the "best"? Second of all how is losing someone you love for the "best"? You wouldn't say this to someone who had just lost their parent, or grandparent. You would not say this to someone who was just diagnosed with a disease. No parent wants to hear that the loss of their baby was some how for the best. Who is it better for? Them? The baby? This is simply not a good phrase to use.

3. There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway - First of all - ouch. I've heard this phrase a couple of times. This is never, in any circumstance, the right thing to say to someone who just lost their baby. This phrase tries to minimize the parents pain and tries to make it "ok" that their baby died. The grieving parents do not care if anything was wrong with their baby. The only thing they want is to hold their child. They would have cheerfully welcomed any kind of special needs baby into their home. Because they love their baby unconditionally.

4. The baby is in a better place now - Yes, this is true. But the grieving parents want their baby here - with them. This is a child they dreamed about, loved, and wanted. To hear that the place their child is now at, is way better than being here with them, hurts. It is true, but hurts nonetheless. Do not say this to anyone who have just lost their baby.

5. You will have more children - first of all, you're not a fortune teller. You do not know the future. You do not know if this couple will in fact have more children. Secondly, do not try to cheer the parents up by minimizing the importance of their child's existance. This child that they lost is important to them. They wanted this child. Not just a child.

6. Atleast you know you can get pregnant - WOW you hit the nail right on the head! The whole reason I concieved this child was to, in fact, figure out if I can have a child. It was to enjoy the pregnancy only. All the nausea, throwing up, backaches, sleepless night. All the fatigue and cramping and growing. That was all for fun. I did all that so I could see IF I could conceive. Who cares about the baby in the end. Wrong. Do not say this to a person whose going through a loss of a baby. It is thoughtless. Of course they know they can get pregnant. They spent months being pregnant. It's not the pregnancy that is important. It is the baby.

7. When are you going to start trying again - You do not know if this couple even wants more children. And if they do, you do not know if there was any complications or reasons why they have to wait in order to start trying again. And really, it's not any of your business. The couple needs time to grieve before they think of bringing another, different, life into this world. Now for me this wasn't a big deal, I did get asked this quite a bit, but it was really the way people asked it. Some people had a tendancy of asking this in a rude way that completely dismissed David like he wasn't important. Steer clear of doing this to your friend or family member, because it can hurt.

8. Do not attempt to give advice on what she can do "better for the next pregnancy" - do not assume that because their baby passed away, it was somehow the mom's fault or something she did during the pregnancy. Things happen. Infections happen. Deaths happen. Someone can have a very healthy pregnancy and then something happens, out of the blue. Do not make the mother feel as though it was her fault her baby is gone. More than likely she is already struggling with guilt and feels as though it was something she did. When in fact it was NOT her fault. Things happen. Some things happen with absolutely no reason behind it. I'm going to share a personal experience.
           
After losing David I already felt vulnerable and guilty. I felt as though I could not protect him. I was his mother, I should have been able to protect him, right? But he got an infection. Something that was out of my control. I had family, doctors, and friends telling me it was NOT my fault. It took awhile for me to actually realize they were right. Then one day I received an envelope in the mail. It was from a lady that my husband knew. I, on the other hand, had never heard of this woman before and she certainly did not know me. Well there was a five page letter in there to me and my husband. This letter talked about some surgery she had, completely unrelated to what happened with me and David and she talked about how her body was full of toxins. Well she went on to say that since I had pre eclampsia (also known as Toxemia) my body was just full of toxins and I need to do all I could to get rid of those toxins. She also enclosed some pamphlets about how to get rid of these toxins and advertising some juice that was supposed to be the "cure". She obviously had no idea what Toxemia really was, and did little to no research on it. She just assumed. Needless to say I threw away the letter and the pamphlets. And I did not write her a thank you card.
Do not. I repeat DO NOT assume that what happened with the pregnancy and the baby was the mom's fault. and DO NOT under any circumstances make her feel as though the death of her child had anything to do with something SHE DID. She's already struggling with enough guilt and pain. Don't cause any more.

What not to do when a person has just lost a baby.

1. Do not ignore it, or make the parents (or family) feel like it did not happen. - There is nothing worse in this situation than making the parents feel as though the loss of their child was not important. There is nothing worse than ignoring what happened. I know it can be awkward. People feel weird discussing a loss of a child because they do not want to bring up pain or cause the person to cry. Trust me, the parent (or grandparent) cries everyday anyway. Talk about the baby they lost with them. It is important that you remember the baby. It is important that you talk about him/her with the parents. And it is important that they know you consider their baby important. Because their baby IS important.

2. Do not minimize their pain - Do not compare their pain and their loss to the loss of someone else. Any loss is important. And losing a child, whether a baby, or a grown adult, is the hardest loss anyone can go through. Because it's unnatural. Whether it was a miscarriage or stillbirth or something else, they lost their child. Do not minimize their pain or make them feel in anyway that they shouldn't feel the way they do. Because they have a right to. They lost someone who was a part of them. Pain is never comparable.

3. Do not bring babies/children to "cheer the grieving parents up" - It is insensitive and rude to bring your baby, especially if that baby is an infant, around the grieving parents. They may not say anything to you about it, but trust me it just makes their pain even more unbearable to see you holding your perfectly healthy baby, when they cannot hold theirs. Leave all children at home when you go to comfort someone who is suffering a loss of a baby.

4. Do not surprise them by announcing you're pregnant in a crowd - Yes your pregnancy should be celebrated. Every life and baby is a miracle and a joy. However, to a person who has lost a child. This hurts. Do not be hurt if they do not celebrate with you. Or if they have a difficult time being around you while you are pregnant and after you have your baby. Do not surprise them by announcing you are pregnant in front of a bunch of people. When they are around a lot of people they have to put on a smile and congratulate you and act happy for you. Yes I'm sure they are happy for you, but they are also hurting. Call them on the phone personally or text them when they are alone. Or better yet allow someone else to tell them. That way they can get away and cry if they have to. Because when they hear you are pregnant they are going to relive the fact that they are not pregnant and do not have their baby.

5. Do not be upset if they "hide" you or defriend you off of facebook if you are pregnant-  I'm going to be honest. There are alot of people in my life who are pregnant and recently had babies. Quite a few of them are friends of mine on facebook. And every single one of them are hidden off my newsfeed. And no I am not sorry that they are. My pain is very real. Nothing hurts sharper than logging on to facebook and seeing a bunch of status updates about someone's pregnancy, their growing belly, their smiling newborns. It's all too much and too painful. So do not take offense to this. Yes your baby is important too. But seeing your growing belly and smiling infants just reminds them that they cannot hold their baby like you can yours.

6. Do not rush their grief - Everyone grieves at a different speed. Do not try to rush them out of their grief or try to make them feel as though they need to get over it right away. Because they won't ever get over losing their child. It is not something "to get over" And you trying to rush them out of their pain just makes them feel as though they don't have a right to grieve.

7. Do not be offended if they are not as sympathetic to your "little problems" - This is a major one. Unless you have some earth shattering event happen to you, do not bring your problems to your friend or family member who has just lost their baby. Chances are you will not get very much sympathy from them. Sure they might act like they care, but truth be told they do not want to hear about how your boyfriend just broke your heart for the third time in a row. Or how this person at work is just annoying the crap out of you. So unless it's truly important, do not seek advice from someone who is grieving. Go to someone else. This person already has enough on their plate, they do not need your petty stuff too.

8. Do not think that because the person they lost was a baby they should just be OK and move on.  - This is a BIG one. People have this attitude that since you "just" lost a baby you should be OK. They assume that since your baby was not here for very long that it's not really something to grieve over. Well this thinking is wrong. From the moment that + sign showed up on the pregnancy test the parents, grandparents, and family members fell in love with that baby. They thought about the baby's life. About holding him/her. They dreamed about kissing their baby and loving on him/her. Do not assume that they can just "get over" their loss. The loss of anyone is painful. But the loss of a baby? a child? It's so much more than painful. It's an ache no one should ever have to feel. Do not take that from the parents. From the family. Do not act like the baby was not important because his life got cut short. The baby's life was still a life. And their life is IMPORTANT.

These are just some things that have happened to me since losing David. I am sure there are more. If I think of any more I will write them down. Please feel free to write anything you can think of to not say or do in the comments :).

Just what we needed

I love this quote. It's in a round about way saying, how could you not like one of the world's most faithful and loving species?

A few weeks ago I wasn't a big dog fan. Yes I've spent my whole life being around dogs. It's not that I didn't like them, I just considered myself a cat person. My mom has a dog. her name is Bella, a boxer. she is one of the best dogs I have ever met. So sweet, and faithful, and really I would rather be around her than people most days. I still considered myself a cat person though.

My aunt and cousin also have boxers.

I have grown to love this breed over the past couple of years.

I say....

If it's not a boxer it's just another dog.

My husband is a BIG DOG fan. So two weeks ago when my mom asked us if we wanted a boxer pup, he didn't hesitate.

 My hubby said YES without listening to any details.

Expected. :).

So on a saturday morning we headed out to meet  my mom's cousin.
My mom was also getting a boxer pup. A friend for Bella.
 Ben had his mind set on getting a white male.
My mom wanted a tan girl.
And that's what we got. Luckily.

The moment I saw this little puppy I fell in love with him. He was scared at first, but he started to get used to us within a couple of hours.

We named him Cooper, I'm not sure why my dear hubby picked that name, but it stuck. He's beginning to know it as his name now.

Cooper isn't like any typical dog.
First of all he's beautiful. Yes I'm biased, so what.
 He's sensitve, and laid back.
Plus he's so loving.
 I'd say he's exactly what my hubby and I needed at this precise moment.

I fall more in love with him everyday. Of course who couldn't fall in love with this little guy?

I don't know about a dog person but...

I'd say I'm a boxer person... or maybe a cooper person any day :)

Of course I still love my endearing and high mantience cat buddy.

Buddy- not your typical cat lol.

Stop Complaining

I was going to write this on facebook, however I am never negative on there (if I can help it). So I decided to write it in my blog instead.

There is something that just peeves me to no end. Complainers, that do not have a reason to complain. Ok so I know we all have problems trust me. But when I log on to facebook I don't want to hear how much your life SUCKS, because of something YOU did. And now you're having to deal with the consequences. Now, I understand, when something that is out of our control pretty much ruins our life. I've been there, that's when you have the right to complain. When you lose a loved one, get diagnosed with a disease, when you're working your butt off but being taken advantage of, ok that's good, complain away. I get it, but if you decide it's cool to do drugs, or drink underage, and you get caught, or be a bum and that's the reason you have no money, or you were getting into trouble because you think you "have a right" to do what you please. PLEASE, that's when it's time to get off the pity party bus and suck it up.

Can you tell I'm a little bitter? Ok I'm sorry. I really don't mean to be. I'm not cold hearted. I know everyone has issues. I feel for people, when their issue isn't a consequence of their stupidity. That's when I feel sorry for them. I get it, I have been stupid before. I know. Then I lost David. And I realized I did not have a right to complain about little things that are my doing. Because there are much bigger issues out there.

Ok that's my rant for today. I'm sure tomorrow I will be in a much better mood.

I'm awfully moody lately..

Lost and Found

OH, How true this quote is!

This is how I feel,

Lost.

I feel as though I wake up, go about my day in a fog, and then go to bed. Get up and do it all over again.

It's been quite a while since I've written something new. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. I have plenty to write. It's that I have no motivation to do a single thing, including writing. Oh and there are so many things I need to be doing. It just seems like the more life goes and and pushes me forward the more I resist. I don't want to go forward. I don't want the months to keep going, not without my son. But they have to. So I get up, force myself through each day. and then start all over again.

It's not like I don't have things I need to do. I need to start losing weight. My friends wedding is in a month and I can only get my bridesmaid dress to zip up half way. I need a swift kick in the butt and get into gear. I need motivation to get organized. I need motivation to clean my house and stay on top of cleaning. There's so much I NEED to do. But I do not have the MOTIVATION to do it.

Well today I am attempting a change. I can't go through life being down in the dumps. The Lord doesn't want that. It brings everyone else down, and I don't want everyone around me sad because I'm sad. I want to be myself again, but I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I'm my old self. If this is the case then I can be a newer version of me. A better, stronger me.

I have to face each day one day at a time and make a concious decision to begin to put myself back together. Yes there are some pieces missing. Pieces that will always be missing. However that doesn't mean I have to go through life like it's a burden. I don't want to do that. I want to be joyful, happy, loving. peaceful.

I am in a funk and can't seem to get out.

I don't know if I would call it depression. I don't know if maybe I'm just in denial on how I feel and trying to hide it. But either way I know I have to get through it. I have no choice. Each day I spend being sad and distant is a day I waste. Oh yes, a part of me will probably always be sad. I miss David, how could I not be? But I can't let that define me. I need to find myself.

Like the quote says "Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves".

Well that's what I'm going to attempt to do.

Find myself.

Starting today.

Not normal

During these past couple of months of grief I have talked to many people. People who love me that don't know what to say, who say whatever comes to their mind in order to offer up some sort of comfort to me. I appreciate most of the words people give me. It's not an easy situation to lose anyone let alone a child, no one ever knows what to say. And nothing anyone says helps much.

There is one thing though that I hate hearing. I have had a few people tell me this themselves or tell me others have told them this. I hate hearing this sentence. And when I do hear it I just plaster on my forced smile and nodd. Although inside I am seething. I can feel my blood boiling and my heart feel as though it's going to explode. The sentence is this.

"If David had lived he wouldn't have been normal."

First of all I hate hearing this from people especially people who never even met my David. In that simple little sentence I hear alot of implications. Ones I'm sure that are not meant to be implied. However, even if my sweet David had not been normal, so what?

I have seen many stories of babies that were alot smaller and worse off than David and they survived. They are normal. So what is so different about David's case?

Even if he hadn't have been normal my love for that sweet baby boy would not have changed. My heart would still have been filled with pride and joy.

The reason I hate that sentence is because it feels as though it's implying if David hadn't had been normal then I wouldn't have wanted him. That is so far from the truth it makes me cry.

I wanted David. I wanted him more than anything. I waited for him. I ached to hold him. It wouldn't have mattered if there was nothing wrong with him. or if there was a whole list of things wrong with him. I loved him anyway.

I wanted him.

Normal or not. I created him. My husband and I created him.

No matter what my heart will always ache for sweet David Everett.

The Lord is oh so funny

I have been struggling quite a bit with bitterness.

I feel bitterness when I see a person with a newborn baby.

I think Lord why did they get to keep their baby and I had to watch mine die?

I feel bitterness when I see a pregnant person whether I know them or not.

I feel bitterness when I hear of (yet another) person becoming pregnant.

Because me - I have to wait yet again.

It's not that I like to be bitter.

It's not that I'm a bitter person.

Normally I'm a loving, caring, understanding, joyful, person.

But when it comes to hearing about people, especially in certain circumstances that I think are completely rediculous, having babies, I feel bitterness rising up inside me.

I don't like to feel bitter.

Nor do I like most everyone telling me that it's ok, David's in heaven, I'll have more babies, I can't be upset, blah blah blah.

Only a select few truly understand how extremely difficult this is on me.

Only a select few know that I don't want to hear (yet again) that David is in heaven.

I know he's in heaven, I want him here with me.

They know I don't want to hear for the uptenth time that I'll have more babies.

They know I don't want hear it's all going to be ok and for them to list the many reasons WHY it will be ok.

Because I don't feel ok.

So lately I've been feeling bitterness.

I don't want to be bitter towards anyone, so during my personal time this morning while I was praying, I asked the Lord to please help me not to be bitter towards people who are pregnant or that have newborns.

A few hours later my mom texted me and told me one of my friends is pregnant (again).

O the Lord works in funny ways. He knows I don't want to and can't be bitter towards any friends of mine, it's so much harder to be bitter about someone's situation when you love them. lol.

Soo, of course I'm happy for them. Does it make me a little bit sadder about my situation? Absolutely. However, the Lord is slowly helping me work through my bitterness.

And of course like the Lord always does, he's doing it in a way I did not expect.

Hold on cause there's good for those who love God

I have not written anything in quite a while.

I wish I could say it was because I have been extremely busy. But I can't because that would be a lie.

The truth is I've been more depressed than busy. I have not been motivated to write anything, to be thankful for anything. I have not had any desire to move on with life but for some reason life is forcing me to keep going forward. So I will have to. I don't have a choice.

First of all I absolutely hate February. So when I'm stuck in the midst of February, especially this year, I feel like I'm drowning in freezing cold water and I can't seem to get out. I'm so glad it's March and we get to see spring approaching.

Everyone has heard of the saying "When it rains it pours". Well it is so true, and I'm not sure why that is but it is. And it sucks. It seems like once David passed away a bunch of bad things started happening with my family and then close friends of my family. I am really hoping it will stop raining soon and we could have a few months or even years with only good things happening :).

I got in a slump. This past Sunday was my breaking point. Saturday night actually. I had an awful night, both my husband and I did. Monday (which was my original due date) was fast approaching. David's headstone went up at the Cemetery on Saturday. I had gone to the doctor a few days before where I got good news and disappointing news all in the same sitting. And AF decided to visit that weekend too. It was all just too much for me to take so I broke.

Beautiful song 

Before the Morning by Josh Wilson 

First let me write about the doctor's visit. My protein level was down to 24 which is not perfect but a HUGE improvement from where it was in the 140's a month before. Normal is 11, so hopefully at my next visit that's where it will be. That was the great news along with being taken off my blood pressure medicine.. The disappointing news was when my doctor decided to bring up trying for another baby, yet again. You see I thought we had discussed it quite enough. I have talked about it with two doctors and 1 specialist. The first doctor said because she understands my situation she would say 3 or 4 months until I try again from when David was born. Not before then though.. The Specialist said 9 months but he preferred a year. And my doctor at my last visit had said we should wait but if we got pregnant before a year I would be ok. So my husband and I decided March would be when we started trying again. However, at this visit my doctor decided to tell me she agreed very very very strongly with the specialist on having me wait, at least 9 months. Now that is six more months and I know in my head it's not that far away but it makes my heart ache, it seems to long to me. But we discussed it and my husband is worried about my safety and any future babies we may have and we decided (I agreed although i was very disgruntle) that we would wait until September.

So throw that in with my due date approaching, David's headstone going up, and AF showing up, you have a very unhappy Jenna on your hands. It's not that I was unhappy, it was that I was sad. I was depressed. I felt let down. Ben and I have had many prophesies over us about babies, and multiplying. Even before I got pregnant with David. But I started to doubt. Doubt that any of that was true. I started asking why God. Why even give me David if you were going to take him from me. I had my break down in our bathroom, crying and screaming and asking why. My husband standing next to me telling me he didn't know why.

That was my breaking point. I stayed in bed on Sunday morning. My husband tried but he could not get me out of bed to go to church. I said no repeatedly I wasn't going. I wasn't going see all those babies. You see, everyone who was pregnant at the same time as me have had their babies. And some come to church. One in particular was born after David and they named him David also. So whenever that baby is near me I can't help but cry. Because I start thinking about how completely unfair life is and throwing myself a pity party. And boy was I throwing myself a pity party that morning. So no I wouldn't go. I wouldn't go and see those babies, and I wouldn't go and break down in front of everyone and I wouldn't go and have everyone asking me if I was ok or telling me I was so strong because I am not strong.

My husband left and about 1030 my mom came to check on me. She managed to get me out of bed and get me dressed.. We went for a walk, we both cried, and we talked, But it was good to get out. I still wasn't over my sadness but I realized I can't just waste away. Staying in bed and staying down wasn't the answer all it would do is bring me down.

I miss David. Everyday of my life. I know I always will. A part of my heart is missing. However there's so many people out there who have it worse than me. I have a God who loves me and I have to trust in him even when it's hard.

You may pray and pray and pray that the Lord will take your pain away and he may say no. When he says no you need to say ok Lord what is it that you want me to take from this pain and this trial. Because he has a plan, we just might not see it.

I'm still not out of the storm, I'm not out of the darkness yet. But I know I will be ok. The Lord promised me I would be.

Website

My husband and I have started a website. We started it in hopes to help people who are grieving. It is called Davidsheart.weebly.com

Please visit it and if you know someone who could uses some comfort please give them the website to visit.

Thank you :)

Death Certificate

When we went to the funeral home after David died, they asked us if we wanted a copy of his death certificate - they'd order it for us.

We did - I want everything that's associated with David, because I had so little time with him.

Yesterday, they brought me his certificate. They are so great up there at that funeral home.

I had been having a great day. Then receiving the certificate made me sad.

It just reminded me of all the many things I did not get to do with my baby.

Sometimes when I was younger I would go through cemeteries with my mom. Whenever we would go to Gatlinburg  we would always stop at the old churches that have the cemeteries behind them. In those cemeteries and every cemetery I've gone to, there's always been a headstone, or a couple, of a baby. A baby that only lived a few days, a few weeks, and my heart always broke for them.

They didn't get a chance at life, their parents must have been so crushed. I would say to myself. Then I would go about my daily business.

I never for the life of me thought that my tiny baby would only live for a few days.

I never thought that his headstone would read that he was only 6 days old.

I never thought that my baby's headstone would be the one people look at and say "awww he was only 6 days old - I wonder what happened? poor baby, poor family."

On David's death certificate were the "causes of death".

We had an autopsy report done and I talked to the doctor once and I need to call him again. However, I believe he is not going to give me much more than what we don't already know.

One the certificate it stated the causes of death were Prematurity, Respiratory Distress Syndrome, Patent Ductus Areterious, and Sepsis.

So basically what all those words mean is David was born premature, and because he was premature he had under developed lungs, he had a heart valve that was not closed upon birth because he was so early, and his immune system was weak. He caught an infection that caused Sepsis, inflammation of his whole body, and he wasn't able to fight it off.

I often wonder - did the doctors take him off anti-biotics way to soon?  I mean, he was doing great, his heart valve was closing, his breathing was getting better, but he was still less that 2 pounds.

And the day they took him off of anti biotics is the night he caught the infection and 12 hours later he was gone. I know doctors know what they are doing,but they still are only human. Would it have been different if they had left him on anti biotics?

I will never know, and I can't keep asking the same questions because they will not get answered and they will not change a single thing.

But even though I know all of this - it still sucks.

So much.

Eyes

David was born 3 months early. Because of this his eyes were not open after I delivered him.

Following the days after his birth, my husband and I talked about how much we couldn't wait until he opened his eyes. My husband especially.

He was so in love.

A few days passed and he started opening, squinting actually one eye open. My brother sang to him on Friday "He's got the whole world in his hands." and David popped one eye open. He kept popping it open every time he sang.

We were making progress.

It was on December 18 when he opened both his eyes for the first time. We arrived at the hospital and there David was in his little incubator staring right at me.

It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.

My husband and I where in heaven.

He had dark blue beautiful eyes.

David passed away a couple hours after this.

A few days later while we were getting ready for David's funeral I was going through my husbands camera. On his camera was a video.

Of David, opening his eyes.

Of course I started bawling. I had no idea my husband took a video and he had forgotten. It's short, only a few seconds long but it shows David's beautiful eyes. Wide open.

I'm glad he took that video - it is now one of my prized possessions.

You never know when the last time you will see someone will be. Cherish the time you have with your family and friends. Life is to valuable to not enjoy the little things.

Valentines Day

So today is Valentines Day.

I don't get to excited about this day, I mean after all it is just a day. But I do enjoy spending it with my best friend- my husband.

This is my valentines day gift from my hubby.

my sweet hubby.

He also says there's another gift coming.. hmmm I wonder what that could be? Possibly something shiny??

I have a feeling tonight is going to be a good night.

(Wait isn't that a song?? :) lol )

I feel as though my husband and I have been through a lot in the past three years together. 

We have laughed together.

Cried together.

Built each other up.

Held each other.

I couldn't ask for a better man to go through things with. 

He is my best friend.

I sure do love my Valentine :)

Yesterday was a bad day...

I'm going to be completely honest..

Yesterday was a really bad day for me... Emotionally.

Like horrible.

Actually this past week had been a pretty bad week for me emotionally but yesterday it all just built up and then exploded. Like a volcano.

It started with me not being able to find ANYTHING I needed. For example, my husband needed my birth certificate. I couldn't find it. I knew I had it. probably put up in a box somewhere. But I could not find it for the life of me. Then I couldn't find all my jewelry. My favorite bracelets, it's like they both just vaporized into thin air.

So that's me. Forgetful, unorganized, and I hate it. I hate this trait in myself so much that it actually started getting me down.

Then I started feel as though I couldn't do anything right. Have you ever felt that way? Well that feeling escalated.

It went from Jenna you can't find your birth certificate. To Jenna you can't find your jewelry. To Jenna you can't figure out your algebra. To Jenna you can't seem to organize all the million hospital bills you have. To Jenna you can't even carry your baby to full term. To Jenna you failed David, you failed Ben, and you failed your family. To Jenna you couldn't even save your baby. You failed, failed at everything even having your child.

This all is what I said to myself.

Now yes I know that was very silly of me, and insane because none of that is true. I know I didn't fail David or my husband or my family. I know it wasn't my fault, I know there was nothing I could have done to save David. But that is all head knowledge and in that moment it wasn't my head doing the talking it was my emotions. In my heart I truly felt and sometimes still feel as though I failed David. like I should have been able to give him a chance at life, he should have atleast had a chance.

So that was just the tip of the iceberg.

I then started hearing about people having babies. People who are irresponsible, immature. People who have these little blessings and treat them like garbage. People who get pregnant just because they had a one night thing, or a two night thing, or whatever, with someone not so serious. People who take their pregnancy lightly and don't go to the doctor. People who could basically care less.

Now that was getting to me also, on top of me feeling like a complete failure at everything. I kept thinking, how is that fair. These people are having baby after baby, and here I couldn't keep mine.

I cried pretty much all day yesterday.

That's why it was such a bad day.

Now I know all those arguments I had with myself, all those things I told myself, I know they are silly. I know most aren't true.

But I also know how I feel.

And sometimes it just plain sucks.

However, I am blessed to have such a great family.

and hubby- he bought me roses yesterday just to cheer me up. He's wonderful.

I know I am blessed because atleast I know I can get pregnant. There's so many people out there who can't get pregnant or have a baby.

And my heart aches for them.

It doesn't make up for missing my sweet baby boy though.

Homesick

The song homesick by MercyMe describes to a T how I feel.

Very beautiful.

Kidneys

The reason I had to deliver David 3 monthes early was because I had preeclampsia. I sometimes get the vibe that some people don't really know what that is. Some believe that my body was toxic and unhealthy. That's not true. I was very healthy during my pregnancy and I did everything "right". Sometimes things like that just happen. They don't know the specific reason why women get preeclampsia.

When I went for my doctor's appt's there was still a significant amount of protein in my urine. Which is abnormal because usually when the baby is delivered the preeclampsia disappears. But it hadn't in my case. So my doctor sent me to a kidney doctor. That was an interesting experience. But my kidney function is normal. In a few days I have to go get another urine test done.

If the protein is gone then yay ! But if it is still there then they have to do more intensive tests to determine if my kidney's are ok. So please be praying! I'm believing for the best. Because I'm really over having to go through all these tests and doctors and hospitals. I'm burnt out on it and I don't want to have to go any longer.

Trusting in the Lord.

Life is determined to move on..

Life is a funny thing, when a tragedy happens it does not just stop, it keeps going. So with it you must go along also. I haven't written in a while. This past week has been particularly hard and then some times it gets easier. I go back and forth. Feb. 4th was supposed to be David's baby shower. We had it all planned out and everything purchased for it. It still makes me tear up thinking about it. Because I didn't want to just sit around all day and cry my mom and some friends of ours made plans in advance.

We went shopping. :)

It was a great time, we have some awesome friends. While I was shopping I decided to have a plan. That plan was to shop for my childcare kids. That turned out to be really fun. I started work again on Feb. 6. After two monthes of being off. I have to tell you at first I was dreading it. I just wasn't sure how I would feel being around kids again. But I was ok, actually being around them again has helped me alot. Because these are MY kids. I know them and I love them and I really missed them I realized.
I currently watch 6 kids (not all at the same time). The little ones are still too young to realize what happened with David. One of the youngest ones pointed to my belly yesterday and said Baby David, then went about playing. Then I have older ones. They know. The oldest one is 8 and he is at the age where he knows a sensitive situation so he never mentioned David. I have a five year old. At that age children don't really have filters. They are innocent enough to tell you the truth and to say whats on their minds. My five year old came in yesteday and said "Miss Jenna I'm so sad" of course I was oblivious and said oh buddy why are you so sad? and he said "because of what happened to your baby. It makes me really sad. But my mommy told me not to say anything else. But I just wanted to you know it's really bad what happened to your baby and I'm really sad." That right there touched my heart. I like children to open up and say whats on their mind. They need to be heard. It almost made me cry it was so sweet.

I have enjoyed being back  to work.

I have also enjoyed coming up with new things to do with the kids.

and my mini- project of the play room that I turned Davids room into.

Colored Macaroni

Rubbing alcohol, food coloring, macaroni in a zip loc baggie.

Kids really enjoyed shaking them up and seeing them change colors.

Once they dry will be great to sort into colors as an activity.

went to get my nails done yesterday, even with a french manicure you can still

tell I work with kids with the coloring on my hands.

play kitchen

car track rug

Toys

Toys

My pintrest project. That's my new

favorite website!

Triggers

When we lose something life forces us to move on. However life also leaves us with triggers. Things that remind us of the person we lost. When my Pappy passed away it was older men with baseball caps. I would see one and they would remind me of my Pappy. Even after years passed, I would still be reminded of Pappy by that trigger. There are others too however that's the major one.

For David anything baby reminds me of him. Even seeing babies make me tear up. But there's one particular trigger that really gets me going. That trigger is oranges. I never paid much attention to oranges before David was born. But now whenever I smell them I start to tear up.
The reason for this trigger is from December 18. That night is the night we lost David. As soon as they placed him in my arms I smelled a strong odor of oranges. It was beautiful to me. That destinct smell hit me right between the eyes. Me and my family held him for hours. Later on in the night the nurse came in and asked me if I wanted to give David a bath. She said she likes to give parents the option of doing things with their baby that they never did or would get to do. That included giving David a bath. But I said no, he smelled like oranges, and I wanted to keep it that way. To remember him with that smell. She said she liked that kind of thinking and left us to hold him some more.

My husband eats alot of oranges. More than he used to. I asked him once if it was because of David's smell. he said no, but I think he might eat them for that reason subconciously.

Now if anyone asks me what my favorite smell is I say oranges.

pregnant with David at 25 weeks

Love at first sight

I remember the day my husband and I went to get our first ultrasound of David. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to find out if I was having a boy or a girl. We thought it was a girl for the first part of my pregnancy. My husband, he wanted a boy. We were going to have a gender reveal party after the nurse gave us the gender. She put it in an envelope and we took it to a bakery and they made the cake blue. So that way when we cut open the cake we knew what we were going to have. It was alot of fun.

Anyway the moment I saw David's picture on the ultrasound screen. Moving around like his father, I knew it was a little boy. I took the pictures home to my mom and said I'm pretty sure it's a boy. Look. She agreed with me. Not to long after we found out it was indeed a little boy.



The most perfect boy ever.

I love that boy. I have since I found out I was pregnant but I grew even more in love with him after I saw his perfect face. 

February

Today is February 1st.

I absolutely hate February. To me it feels like the longest month on the calender. I know it's not. I know that technically it's the shortest month. However, all the coldness and yuckiness makes it drag on. Once we get through February though I'm ok.

March 1st is my favorite day. I always jump out of bed with a smile on my face and say "woooh hooo february is over."

This is what I hate about February. I do not think snow is pretty. I think it's cold and gross. Luckily this winter has not been to bad here in Indiana. And today it's actually 54 degrees out. I hope it stays this beautiful. However I doubt it will because, well lets face it, it's February, and February has a way of disappointing me.

Wise words

Growing up my mom taught me many things. One of the most important things she taught my was how to be a good wife. Proverbs 31, is also a good guide. No being a wife is not easy. My husband and I have our share of problems, however we have been through so much together. He is my best friend. I am connected to him in a way that I am not connected to anyone else. Marriage is not sacred anymore. People use divorce as a scape goat. Before my husband and I got married we made sure we both understood that divorce was never an option for us. I know I have to work hard to perserve and protect my marriage.

My mom told me this before I got married. And it's the best piece of advice I could give to anyone that is married. Don't Talk Bad About YOUR Husband. to Anyone. Ever.

My mom is a wise woman.

If you are reading this blog and have never read her blog I encourage you to go over to hers and read through her writings. She is a wonderful writer (better than me). And you will truely enjoy reading through her stuff. :)

http://www.mylifeasdiane-diane.blogspot.com/

A healing and a tragedy

The night I lost David I felt angry at God. I had waited so long for my baby. It took my husband and I over a year to even get pregnant. So when I was sitting in that little hospital room, surrounded by my family, holding my precious baby. I looked into his eyes and saw the life slipping out of him, I continued my argument with the Lord. It was the same argument I had with him over and over again when my husband and I were trying to concieve. And then it started back up when I stood in the NICU watching them work on my baby, fighting to keep him alive. It just escalated into something more. I kept saying to the Lord, why would you take my baby from me, why would you give him to me and then take him from me. You knew I wanted him, you knew I would love him and take good care of him. Why give him to me if you knew you were going to take him from me. I was mad. I wanted so badly to say Lord I'm done. But you see, even if I wanted to leave the Lord, I couldn't, I could never deny God. I know he's real. I may not agree with all that has happened in my life but I know the Lord is real, I know this because he healed me 7 years ago.

When I was 11 years old I was diagnosed with scoliosis. It is pretty common, however it causes severe pain. Atleast it did for me whenever I stood for long periods of time, my back would constantly hurt. I had an S curve in my spine. I would get xray after xray. The s curve never went away and by the time I was 17, I had reached the height I would be for the rest of my life and the s curve was still there. The doctors said it wasn't severe enough to do surgery, I would just have to live with it.

One sunday morning during church when I was 17 we had a guest speaker. An evangelist. During worship he started praying for people, by then I had been standing for quite some time and needed to sit. My back had started hurting really bad. Shortly after i sat down the evangelist said he felt like the Lord wanted him to pray for someone with scoliosis. I thought maybe I should go up, but then I had been prayed for many times before in my life and I was never healed. So I told myself I wouldn't go up unless the Lord led someone to tell me to go up. I stayed seated. Not long after, my mom came over and said I should go get prayer. So I thought alright, what's one more guy praying for me anyway. So I went up to the speaker. I closed my eyes fully expecting him just to pray a prayer. Instead he told me to sit on the pew. He said keep your eyes open I want you to see this. He asked for my feet and I gave them to him. He pointed out how one leg was shorter than the other due to the curve. He started praying and as he prayed my legged stretched out and I felt a pop in my back. I fully believed I had been healed. It was a miracle.

A few weeks later I was at cheerleading practice and during a stunt I was dropped in a way where I landed on my head. I went to urgent care and they did xrays. It turned out I had a bruise on my strenum and a fractered veterbre. But the amazing thing was what happened when the doctor brought in my xrays. He was showing them to me and my mom and dad. I said is that really my spine? He said "yes, isn't it beautiful? Your spine is straight as a pine, you have a spine most people would want." He had no idea I had, had scoliosis. I couldn't believe it, I had believed the Lord had healed me, but right there, that was my proof.

So you see, the Lord works miracles. One tragedy in my life can not erase a wonderful healing that has also happened in my life. So even though I was mad at God, and still at times I feel angry, I can't turn my back. Because if I choose to be that selfish, I know I would only be lying to myself. The Lord can take my anger. But I know he loves me. He loves me so much he sent his son to die for me. Can you imagine? Giving up your only child to save humanity?

That is true love.

Explanation

The one question that has haunted me since David passed away is WHY?
I ask myself that a couple times everyday. I have been offered many different explanations by people, just trying to help. Most of the time people just say the Lord has a plan. I know he has a plan but that doesn't explain anything.

My husband and I went to a concert the other night. The Rock and Worship concert. They had many different christian bands there with great messages but the message that touched me the most was by Bart Millard. He is the lead singer of MercyMe. If you haven't heard their music you should listen to them. Very uplifting. He had said that this year was a tough year for him, they had lost someone in their family. he said he questioned God quite a bit on this. He kept asking Why Lord. He said the Lord told him "The healing is not in the explanation it's through me."

This is so true. Even if I knew why David was taken from me, it won't make the pain go away. Even if I had an explanation I won't heal any faster. I can only heal through the Lord, with time.

A few days ago I went to the kidney doctor. I still had traces of protein in my body which is abnormal. so my regular doctor sent me to a kidney specialist to rule out anything being wrong. The doctor was an older Indian gentleman, who was a very interesting fellow. He asked me how much David weighed when he was born and I said 1 Ib 9 oz. He then asked how he was doing (He didn't know he had passed away). I told him, and he said he was sorry. Then he went on to say "To bring you a little bit of comfort he wouldn't have been normal." Which I wouldn't say that really brought me any comfort but atleast he tried. He was the only person who has said David wouldn't have been normal. I'm sure he was judging soley on his birth weight. But he made a good point. We just don't know. Maybe the Lord took David because he knew he would have problems here on earth. I'm not sure. I'm not positive that I even want to know. But to me, David was perfect. And it wouldn't have mattered if anything was wrong with him anyway, because I would love him no matter what.

I may never know why David was taken from me so soon. But like the Lord said, the healing is not in the explanation. I just have to know the Lord has my back and always will.

Roses and Thorns

I am going to get completely real with you for a minute. I struggle quite a bit with resentment. I habor resentment in my heart that I know shouldn't be there. And yes I am a christian. As a christian I struggle, I struggle with the Lord's plan even though I know he has a great plan that I do not know. I have many good days in a row and then all of a sudden a bad day happens. I feel bitterness in my heart towards anyone. I will see someone with a happy family, children, babies usually, and I think "Lord now how is that fair, why did they get to keep their child and I had to loose mine?" I know it's selfish of me to think that way, and I know it's not right. I can't be jealous, but I am.

I get resentful when I see a person have child after child and they don't seem to care one bit for the child, they put them in foster care, or they don't even bother having the child and abort it before it even has a chance. When I see these terrible mothers and terrible fathers having these sweet babies and me, well I didn't even get to keep mine. That makes me resentful. I know it's wrong and I pray every time I start to feel that way for the Lord to help me. Break me to the point where I stop being so selfish.

I have good days yes. but those bad days, those bad days are often. Anything sets me off anymore, it's like my emotions are on the surface. I cry at every show and movie I watch, even if it's not the least bit sad. I cry when I think about anything child related. I know I will eventually get through this storm, but right now i'm in the mist of it. Right now I feel it so raw, everyday, and most moments are almost unbearable. I sometimes ask God what the purpose is. Ask him if I can just come home already, but I know I am here for a reason. If I could crawl into bed and stay there forever I would. But life will go on and force me to go on too.

I know I will have more children. I'm not worried about that. I often get that advice "oh you will have more children, God has a purpose" I know he does, I know that I will have more kids. But I can't just casually shrug off the death of my first child. I know that's not what anyone means, they all love me and it's all said just to comfort me. I had a bad day today, I pray that tomorrow will be a good day.

Moving Foward is harder than they say..

Today I did one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Besides watch my own son pass away.

My husband and I live in a three bedroom house. One of the rooms I had converted into my husband's office a long time ago. I felt like he needed a space to write his sermons and study. The other extra room had been serving as a play room for the kids I take care of. When I found out I was pregnant I slowly started converting the playroom into David's room. When David passed away the NICU at Good Sam gave us a couple bags full of his stuff that we had up at the hospital, things he used. For example they gave us the blankets he was wrapped in, the hats he wore and the pacy he sucked on. They also gave us the things we had up at the hospital for him. A few blankets, a bear, etc. They gave me a box of his footprints, a piece of his hair, his thumbprints, and more. Well when I came home the night of Dec. 18th I placed all those bags and the box in the play room and shut the door.

I knew I eventually would have to clean out that room and convert it back to a play room. Since I've been off of work I've had so many ideas of how I want to do the room. But I wouldn't make myself go back in that room and look through those things. It was too painful. I am off of work for one more week and then I'm starting back up again. I knew I needed to get a start on that room.

So today I opened the bags and the box and decided where I wanted to put all of David's things. I put away all the clothes we had bought for him, The blankets, and the stuffed animals. This was the second hardest thing I've ever done. For me I wasn't simply putting away clothes and toys and blankets. I was putting away a dream I had. To me, putting these things up signaled something. No I"m not saying bye to my son, I know he's in heaven and I will one day get to see him again. But I"m saying goodbye to all the hopes I had for David, all the things I had planned, all the dreams I had dreamed up.

I know I will have more children, but this, putting away these things makes my heart ache.

Love you through it.





There is this beautiful song by Martina Mcbride, called love you through it. It's a song about cancer, however I feel as though this song could apply to any tragedy in life, because when we go through something we often feel weak and like we can't go on any longer. That is why is is so important to have a support system in your life. I have a great support system. I have my husband, my parents, my brothers, my sister-in-law, My aunts, uncles, and cousins, my church family, my in-laws on ben's side, I have countless friends who are there for me. I am so blessed. If you are struggling with something find a support system. Having support doesn't mean things heal any faster, or make it all hurt less. But it means you have someone there when you feel as though it's all crashing down. It means you have people in your life who will sit and listen when all you can do is cry. It means when you are having a bad day after countless good days you can go to someone and they will understand. It means you have people who love you and are willing to love you through your tragedy. There's a beautiful line in Martina Mcbride's song. It goes "She said I don't think I can do this anymore, he took her in his arms and said that's what my love is for." I just think that verse is so powerful. And after your support system has been there for you and you are feeling healed, be prepared to be there for them. Because we are not the only ones in this life who go through difficult times.

The picture I have at the beginning of this blog really touched me because it's so true. We cannot look at someone and tell if they have a broken heart. But it hurts just the same. Like anything broken with time a broken heart heals. However, it will leave a scar. Just like anything else. Sure the scar doesn't hurt as bad, but it's still visible and it takes a part of you.

 I have physical scars. I have two scars on my face, both are very little but they are there anyway. One is from having chicken pox. The other is from when I was a toddler, I fell against a coffee table and cut above my lip. I have my c-section scar that is slowly healing. I have scars on my legs from when I was learning to shave and cut myself on accident a few times. I have two scars in my hands from having IV's in me for a week while I was in the hospital.

I also have emotional scars. I have a scar from the pain I felt when my Pappy passed away, and my other two grandpa's as well. I have an emotional scar from when my Mamaw had a stroke. I have a scar from when David passed away. But I also had people there with me, helping me through it. That's what has helped me through each tough time in my life. We need each other. However I'm not the only one with emotional scars. I cannot get deep into my pain and think I'm the only one out there hurting. My family hurts too. They miss David as much as I do. But that doesn't mean the pain doesn't exsist. So instead of sinking deeper and deeper into your pain, find someone. Find someone to talk to who you trust. Someone who will listen and not judge you for feeling how you feel. Find someone who will be patient with you and your pain. Find someone who will just hug you when there's nothing to say. Humans are a species with feelings. The Lord gave us feelings for a reason. He wants us to feel. If we didn't feel sadness then we wouldn't feel happiness either. And I wouldn't have given up the joy I felt after my son was born if my life depended on it. Even if I had known I wouldn't have him for very long.

Whether it feels like it or not everyone has someone in their life that will love them through tragedies. I am blessed because I have more than a handful of people who have been loving me through this. And I will be there for them and love them through any tough times in there life. Because that's what we should do.

Love.

Love you through it- Martina McBride