Yesterday was a bad day...

I'm going to be completely honest..

Yesterday was a really bad day for me... Emotionally.

Like horrible.

Actually this past week had been a pretty bad week for me emotionally but yesterday it all just built up and then exploded. Like a volcano.

It started with me not being able to find ANYTHING I needed. For example, my husband needed my birth certificate. I couldn't find it. I knew I had it. probably put up in a box somewhere. But I could not find it for the life of me. Then I couldn't find all my jewelry. My favorite bracelets, it's like they both just vaporized into thin air.

So that's me. Forgetful, unorganized, and I hate it. I hate this trait in myself so much that it actually started getting me down.

Then I started feel as though I couldn't do anything right. Have you ever felt that way? Well that feeling escalated.

It went from Jenna you can't find your birth certificate. To Jenna you can't find your jewelry. To Jenna you can't figure out your algebra. To Jenna you can't seem to organize all the million hospital bills you have. To Jenna you can't even carry your baby to full term. To Jenna you failed David, you failed Ben, and you failed your family. To Jenna you couldn't even save your baby. You failed, failed at everything even having your child.

This all is what I said to myself.

Now yes I know that was very silly of me, and insane because none of that is true. I know I didn't fail David or my husband or my family. I know it wasn't my fault, I know there was nothing I could have done to save David. But that is all head knowledge and in that moment it wasn't my head doing the talking it was my emotions. In my heart I truly felt and sometimes still feel as though I failed David. like I should have been able to give him a chance at life, he should have atleast had a chance.

So that was just the tip of the iceberg.

I then started hearing about people having babies. People who are irresponsible, immature. People who have these little blessings and treat them like garbage. People who get pregnant just because they had a one night thing, or a two night thing, or whatever, with someone not so serious. People who take their pregnancy lightly and don't go to the doctor. People who could basically care less.

Now that was getting to me also, on top of me feeling like a complete failure at everything. I kept thinking, how is that fair. These people are having baby after baby, and here I couldn't keep mine.

I cried pretty much all day yesterday.

That's why it was such a bad day.

Now I know all those arguments I had with myself, all those things I told myself, I know they are silly. I know most aren't true.

But I also know how I feel.

And sometimes it just plain sucks.

However, I am blessed to have such a great family.

and hubby- he bought me roses yesterday just to cheer me up. He's wonderful.

I know I am blessed because atleast I know I can get pregnant. There's so many people out there who can't get pregnant or have a baby.

And my heart aches for them.

It doesn't make up for missing my sweet baby boy though.