"getting on with life"

Sometimes I feel as though people just don't understand. And it's true, unless someone has also lost a child or grandchild, they don't understand.  I know I didn't understand until this happened. I get the vibe sometimes that I'm just expected to "move on with life". Like doing that is so easy. It's not easy. I feel as though I'm in a black haze. frozen. My heart rebreaks everyday. Everyday I wake up and I come to the realization that no this was not just a bad nightmare, everything is still the same, and David is still gone.

However, if someone has never experienced this, they believe it is easy to pick up and move on with life. I have gotten so much "advice" from people. And I love the friends and people in my life who love me enough to make an effort to make sure I'm doing ok. But I don't need advice. I just need to grieve. I don't need to be told that I have to keep going because life doesn't stop for anyone. I know that. I don't need to be told how long I should wait to get pregnant again. I don't need to be told that life isn't fair. I don't need to be given advice on how to make my body more healthy. I don't need to be told David's in a better place. I don't need to be told that there's a reason for everything. I know all these things.

What I need is to grieve at my own pace. What I need is for everyone to be patient with me. What I need is for people to understand "getting on with life" just is not possible for me right now. I'm not sure when it will be.

his little hand

I miss David. I miss feeling him moving inside me, and kicking. He was a kicker.

I slept with his hat last night.

It still smelled like him... like oranges.

And I cried myself to sleep

So if you feel an urge to "help me along" please resist. It will not help me grieve "any faster" and the more I am told that life moves on and that I need to just continue on with it, the more I will want to dig my heels into the ground and resist.

Kind of like a kid.