Death Certificate

When we went to the funeral home after David died, they asked us if we wanted a copy of his death certificate - they'd order it for us.

We did - I want everything that's associated with David, because I had so little time with him.

Yesterday, they brought me his certificate. They are so great up there at that funeral home.

I had been having a great day. Then receiving the certificate made me sad.

It just reminded me of all the many things I did not get to do with my baby.

Sometimes when I was younger I would go through cemeteries with my mom. Whenever we would go to Gatlinburg  we would always stop at the old churches that have the cemeteries behind them. In those cemeteries and every cemetery I've gone to, there's always been a headstone, or a couple, of a baby. A baby that only lived a few days, a few weeks, and my heart always broke for them.

They didn't get a chance at life, their parents must have been so crushed. I would say to myself. Then I would go about my daily business.

I never for the life of me thought that my tiny baby would only live for a few days.

I never thought that his headstone would read that he was only 6 days old.

I never thought that my baby's headstone would be the one people look at and say "awww he was only 6 days old - I wonder what happened? poor baby, poor family."

On David's death certificate were the "causes of death".

We had an autopsy report done and I talked to the doctor once and I need to call him again. However, I believe he is not going to give me much more than what we don't already know.

One the certificate it stated the causes of death were Prematurity, Respiratory Distress Syndrome, Patent Ductus Areterious, and Sepsis.

So basically what all those words mean is David was born premature, and because he was premature he had under developed lungs, he had a heart valve that was not closed upon birth because he was so early, and his immune system was weak. He caught an infection that caused Sepsis, inflammation of his whole body, and he wasn't able to fight it off.

I often wonder - did the doctors take him off anti-biotics way to soon?  I mean, he was doing great, his heart valve was closing, his breathing was getting better, but he was still less that 2 pounds.

And the day they took him off of anti biotics is the night he caught the infection and 12 hours later he was gone. I know doctors know what they are doing,but they still are only human. Would it have been different if they had left him on anti biotics?

I will never know, and I can't keep asking the same questions because they will not get answered and they will not change a single thing.

But even though I know all of this - it still sucks.

So much.

Eyes

David was born 3 months early. Because of this his eyes were not open after I delivered him.

Following the days after his birth, my husband and I talked about how much we couldn't wait until he opened his eyes. My husband especially.

He was so in love.

A few days passed and he started opening, squinting actually one eye open. My brother sang to him on Friday "He's got the whole world in his hands." and David popped one eye open. He kept popping it open every time he sang.

We were making progress.

It was on December 18 when he opened both his eyes for the first time. We arrived at the hospital and there David was in his little incubator staring right at me.

It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.

My husband and I where in heaven.

He had dark blue beautiful eyes.

David passed away a couple hours after this.

A few days later while we were getting ready for David's funeral I was going through my husbands camera. On his camera was a video.

Of David, opening his eyes.

Of course I started bawling. I had no idea my husband took a video and he had forgotten. It's short, only a few seconds long but it shows David's beautiful eyes. Wide open.

I'm glad he took that video - it is now one of my prized possessions.

You never know when the last time you will see someone will be. Cherish the time you have with your family and friends. Life is to valuable to not enjoy the little things.

Valentines Day

So today is Valentines Day.

I don't get to excited about this day, I mean after all it is just a day. But I do enjoy spending it with my best friend- my husband.

This is my valentines day gift from my hubby.

my sweet hubby.

He also says there's another gift coming.. hmmm I wonder what that could be? Possibly something shiny??

I have a feeling tonight is going to be a good night.

(Wait isn't that a song?? :) lol )

I feel as though my husband and I have been through a lot in the past three years together. 

We have laughed together.

Cried together.

Built each other up.

Held each other.

I couldn't ask for a better man to go through things with. 

He is my best friend.

I sure do love my Valentine :)

Yesterday was a bad day...

I'm going to be completely honest..

Yesterday was a really bad day for me... Emotionally.

Like horrible.

Actually this past week had been a pretty bad week for me emotionally but yesterday it all just built up and then exploded. Like a volcano.

It started with me not being able to find ANYTHING I needed. For example, my husband needed my birth certificate. I couldn't find it. I knew I had it. probably put up in a box somewhere. But I could not find it for the life of me. Then I couldn't find all my jewelry. My favorite bracelets, it's like they both just vaporized into thin air.

So that's me. Forgetful, unorganized, and I hate it. I hate this trait in myself so much that it actually started getting me down.

Then I started feel as though I couldn't do anything right. Have you ever felt that way? Well that feeling escalated.

It went from Jenna you can't find your birth certificate. To Jenna you can't find your jewelry. To Jenna you can't figure out your algebra. To Jenna you can't seem to organize all the million hospital bills you have. To Jenna you can't even carry your baby to full term. To Jenna you failed David, you failed Ben, and you failed your family. To Jenna you couldn't even save your baby. You failed, failed at everything even having your child.

This all is what I said to myself.

Now yes I know that was very silly of me, and insane because none of that is true. I know I didn't fail David or my husband or my family. I know it wasn't my fault, I know there was nothing I could have done to save David. But that is all head knowledge and in that moment it wasn't my head doing the talking it was my emotions. In my heart I truly felt and sometimes still feel as though I failed David. like I should have been able to give him a chance at life, he should have atleast had a chance.

So that was just the tip of the iceberg.

I then started hearing about people having babies. People who are irresponsible, immature. People who have these little blessings and treat them like garbage. People who get pregnant just because they had a one night thing, or a two night thing, or whatever, with someone not so serious. People who take their pregnancy lightly and don't go to the doctor. People who could basically care less.

Now that was getting to me also, on top of me feeling like a complete failure at everything. I kept thinking, how is that fair. These people are having baby after baby, and here I couldn't keep mine.

I cried pretty much all day yesterday.

That's why it was such a bad day.

Now I know all those arguments I had with myself, all those things I told myself, I know they are silly. I know most aren't true.

But I also know how I feel.

And sometimes it just plain sucks.

However, I am blessed to have such a great family.

and hubby- he bought me roses yesterday just to cheer me up. He's wonderful.

I know I am blessed because atleast I know I can get pregnant. There's so many people out there who can't get pregnant or have a baby.

And my heart aches for them.

It doesn't make up for missing my sweet baby boy though.

Homesick

The song homesick by MercyMe describes to a T how I feel.

Very beautiful.

Kidneys

The reason I had to deliver David 3 monthes early was because I had preeclampsia. I sometimes get the vibe that some people don't really know what that is. Some believe that my body was toxic and unhealthy. That's not true. I was very healthy during my pregnancy and I did everything "right". Sometimes things like that just happen. They don't know the specific reason why women get preeclampsia.

When I went for my doctor's appt's there was still a significant amount of protein in my urine. Which is abnormal because usually when the baby is delivered the preeclampsia disappears. But it hadn't in my case. So my doctor sent me to a kidney doctor. That was an interesting experience. But my kidney function is normal. In a few days I have to go get another urine test done.

If the protein is gone then yay ! But if it is still there then they have to do more intensive tests to determine if my kidney's are ok. So please be praying! I'm believing for the best. Because I'm really over having to go through all these tests and doctors and hospitals. I'm burnt out on it and I don't want to have to go any longer.

Trusting in the Lord.

Life is determined to move on..

Life is a funny thing, when a tragedy happens it does not just stop, it keeps going. So with it you must go along also. I haven't written in a while. This past week has been particularly hard and then some times it gets easier. I go back and forth. Feb. 4th was supposed to be David's baby shower. We had it all planned out and everything purchased for it. It still makes me tear up thinking about it. Because I didn't want to just sit around all day and cry my mom and some friends of ours made plans in advance.

We went shopping. :)

It was a great time, we have some awesome friends. While I was shopping I decided to have a plan. That plan was to shop for my childcare kids. That turned out to be really fun. I started work again on Feb. 6. After two monthes of being off. I have to tell you at first I was dreading it. I just wasn't sure how I would feel being around kids again. But I was ok, actually being around them again has helped me alot. Because these are MY kids. I know them and I love them and I really missed them I realized.
I currently watch 6 kids (not all at the same time). The little ones are still too young to realize what happened with David. One of the youngest ones pointed to my belly yesterday and said Baby David, then went about playing. Then I have older ones. They know. The oldest one is 8 and he is at the age where he knows a sensitive situation so he never mentioned David. I have a five year old. At that age children don't really have filters. They are innocent enough to tell you the truth and to say whats on their minds. My five year old came in yesteday and said "Miss Jenna I'm so sad" of course I was oblivious and said oh buddy why are you so sad? and he said "because of what happened to your baby. It makes me really sad. But my mommy told me not to say anything else. But I just wanted to you know it's really bad what happened to your baby and I'm really sad." That right there touched my heart. I like children to open up and say whats on their mind. They need to be heard. It almost made me cry it was so sweet.

I have enjoyed being back  to work.

I have also enjoyed coming up with new things to do with the kids.

and my mini- project of the play room that I turned Davids room into.

Colored Macaroni

Rubbing alcohol, food coloring, macaroni in a zip loc baggie.

Kids really enjoyed shaking them up and seeing them change colors.

Once they dry will be great to sort into colors as an activity.

went to get my nails done yesterday, even with a french manicure you can still

tell I work with kids with the coloring on my hands.

play kitchen

car track rug

Toys

Toys

My pintrest project. That's my new

favorite website!

Triggers

When we lose something life forces us to move on. However life also leaves us with triggers. Things that remind us of the person we lost. When my Pappy passed away it was older men with baseball caps. I would see one and they would remind me of my Pappy. Even after years passed, I would still be reminded of Pappy by that trigger. There are others too however that's the major one.

For David anything baby reminds me of him. Even seeing babies make me tear up. But there's one particular trigger that really gets me going. That trigger is oranges. I never paid much attention to oranges before David was born. But now whenever I smell them I start to tear up.
The reason for this trigger is from December 18. That night is the night we lost David. As soon as they placed him in my arms I smelled a strong odor of oranges. It was beautiful to me. That destinct smell hit me right between the eyes. Me and my family held him for hours. Later on in the night the nurse came in and asked me if I wanted to give David a bath. She said she likes to give parents the option of doing things with their baby that they never did or would get to do. That included giving David a bath. But I said no, he smelled like oranges, and I wanted to keep it that way. To remember him with that smell. She said she liked that kind of thinking and left us to hold him some more.

My husband eats alot of oranges. More than he used to. I asked him once if it was because of David's smell. he said no, but I think he might eat them for that reason subconciously.

Now if anyone asks me what my favorite smell is I say oranges.

pregnant with David at 25 weeks

Love at first sight

I remember the day my husband and I went to get our first ultrasound of David. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to find out if I was having a boy or a girl. We thought it was a girl for the first part of my pregnancy. My husband, he wanted a boy. We were going to have a gender reveal party after the nurse gave us the gender. She put it in an envelope and we took it to a bakery and they made the cake blue. So that way when we cut open the cake we knew what we were going to have. It was alot of fun.

Anyway the moment I saw David's picture on the ultrasound screen. Moving around like his father, I knew it was a little boy. I took the pictures home to my mom and said I'm pretty sure it's a boy. Look. She agreed with me. Not to long after we found out it was indeed a little boy.



The most perfect boy ever.

I love that boy. I have since I found out I was pregnant but I grew even more in love with him after I saw his perfect face. 

February

Today is February 1st.

I absolutely hate February. To me it feels like the longest month on the calender. I know it's not. I know that technically it's the shortest month. However, all the coldness and yuckiness makes it drag on. Once we get through February though I'm ok.

March 1st is my favorite day. I always jump out of bed with a smile on my face and say "woooh hooo february is over."

This is what I hate about February. I do not think snow is pretty. I think it's cold and gross. Luckily this winter has not been to bad here in Indiana. And today it's actually 54 degrees out. I hope it stays this beautiful. However I doubt it will because, well lets face it, it's February, and February has a way of disappointing me.