My job is children. That's what I do, I watch children out of my home. I was made to work with children. I am going to school for child psychology. If you gave me a choice between working with children all day or working with adults, I'd pick the children. I just love it. I have been watching children since I was 11 years old. I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Sure I've had other jobs, a bakery, Sears, Walmart, and trust me, I hated them all. My heart is for children.
After I lost David I thought about my job alot. I thought about how it would be being around children all day every day. How could I do it. Yes I love children but my heart ached at the thought of taking care of other people's children when I couldn't take care of my own. Doing all the things with these children that I ached to do with David and knowing I never would get to do them. I get to play with these children, read them stories, hug them, hold them, kiss on them. I would never get to do any of those things with my son. Knowing this made me hurt to the core. It was almost unbearable to think about. I even entertained the thought of not doing childcare anymore. I thought about finding a different job, one that did not require me being around children. I knew I wouldn't be happy though. I had grown to love these children and their parents. I couldn't do that to them or to myself. But I decided to take eight weeks off. The longer I stayed off work and healed more emotionally the better for me and the children.
Monday I got to watch one of my little girls with my mom. I have been watching her since she was 6 weeks old. Her mom and my mom are best friends and we both needed to see her. You see this little girl is pure joy. She can make your heart feel so much lighter in any circumstance. Most of the day I was just fine. I enjoyed seeing her and playing with her all day. Seeing her smile made my day. Then towards the end of the day I started feeling so much emotional pain I couldn't hold it in any longer. I started thinking about my baby and having this little girl hug me made me think about how I will never recieve a hug from my baby. I will never get a kiss from him, or hear him say I love you. I lost it. Luckily my mom was there and she understood. She's Mawmaw and she hurts too. You see, I could never completely stop watching children. But I now think it's going to take me much longer than I thought to heal emotionally. Maybe I will have a few breakdowns while watching my children, but if that's what it takes to get through the day, then that is what is going to have to happen. Because I could never leave these children. I love them, and I love their hearts.
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