Not normal

During these past couple of months of grief I have talked to many people. People who love me that don't know what to say, who say whatever comes to their mind in order to offer up some sort of comfort to me. I appreciate most of the words people give me. It's not an easy situation to lose anyone let alone a child, no one ever knows what to say. And nothing anyone says helps much.

There is one thing though that I hate hearing. I have had a few people tell me this themselves or tell me others have told them this. I hate hearing this sentence. And when I do hear it I just plaster on my forced smile and nodd. Although inside I am seething. I can feel my blood boiling and my heart feel as though it's going to explode. The sentence is this.

"If David had lived he wouldn't have been normal."

First of all I hate hearing this from people especially people who never even met my David. In that simple little sentence I hear alot of implications. Ones I'm sure that are not meant to be implied. However, even if my sweet David had not been normal, so what?

I have seen many stories of babies that were alot smaller and worse off than David and they survived. They are normal. So what is so different about David's case?

Even if he hadn't have been normal my love for that sweet baby boy would not have changed. My heart would still have been filled with pride and joy.

The reason I hate that sentence is because it feels as though it's implying if David hadn't had been normal then I wouldn't have wanted him. That is so far from the truth it makes me cry.

I wanted David. I wanted him more than anything. I waited for him. I ached to hold him. It wouldn't have mattered if there was nothing wrong with him. or if there was a whole list of things wrong with him. I loved him anyway.

I wanted him.

Normal or not. I created him. My husband and I created him.

No matter what my heart will always ache for sweet David Everett.

The Lord is oh so funny

I have been struggling quite a bit with bitterness.

I feel bitterness when I see a person with a newborn baby.

I think Lord why did they get to keep their baby and I had to watch mine die?

I feel bitterness when I see a pregnant person whether I know them or not.

I feel bitterness when I hear of (yet another) person becoming pregnant.

Because me - I have to wait yet again.

It's not that I like to be bitter.

It's not that I'm a bitter person.

Normally I'm a loving, caring, understanding, joyful, person.

But when it comes to hearing about people, especially in certain circumstances that I think are completely rediculous, having babies, I feel bitterness rising up inside me.

I don't like to feel bitter.

Nor do I like most everyone telling me that it's ok, David's in heaven, I'll have more babies, I can't be upset, blah blah blah.

Only a select few truly understand how extremely difficult this is on me.

Only a select few know that I don't want to hear (yet again) that David is in heaven.

I know he's in heaven, I want him here with me.

They know I don't want to hear for the uptenth time that I'll have more babies.

They know I don't want hear it's all going to be ok and for them to list the many reasons WHY it will be ok.

Because I don't feel ok.

So lately I've been feeling bitterness.

I don't want to be bitter towards anyone, so during my personal time this morning while I was praying, I asked the Lord to please help me not to be bitter towards people who are pregnant or that have newborns.

A few hours later my mom texted me and told me one of my friends is pregnant (again).

O the Lord works in funny ways. He knows I don't want to and can't be bitter towards any friends of mine, it's so much harder to be bitter about someone's situation when you love them. lol.

Soo, of course I'm happy for them. Does it make me a little bit sadder about my situation? Absolutely. However, the Lord is slowly helping me work through my bitterness.

And of course like the Lord always does, he's doing it in a way I did not expect.

Hold on cause there's good for those who love God

I have not written anything in quite a while.

I wish I could say it was because I have been extremely busy. But I can't because that would be a lie.

The truth is I've been more depressed than busy. I have not been motivated to write anything, to be thankful for anything. I have not had any desire to move on with life but for some reason life is forcing me to keep going forward. So I will have to. I don't have a choice.

First of all I absolutely hate February. So when I'm stuck in the midst of February, especially this year, I feel like I'm drowning in freezing cold water and I can't seem to get out. I'm so glad it's March and we get to see spring approaching.

Everyone has heard of the saying "When it rains it pours". Well it is so true, and I'm not sure why that is but it is. And it sucks. It seems like once David passed away a bunch of bad things started happening with my family and then close friends of my family. I am really hoping it will stop raining soon and we could have a few months or even years with only good things happening :).

I got in a slump. This past Sunday was my breaking point. Saturday night actually. I had an awful night, both my husband and I did. Monday (which was my original due date) was fast approaching. David's headstone went up at the Cemetery on Saturday. I had gone to the doctor a few days before where I got good news and disappointing news all in the same sitting. And AF decided to visit that weekend too. It was all just too much for me to take so I broke.

Beautiful song 

Before the Morning by Josh Wilson 

First let me write about the doctor's visit. My protein level was down to 24 which is not perfect but a HUGE improvement from where it was in the 140's a month before. Normal is 11, so hopefully at my next visit that's where it will be. That was the great news along with being taken off my blood pressure medicine.. The disappointing news was when my doctor decided to bring up trying for another baby, yet again. You see I thought we had discussed it quite enough. I have talked about it with two doctors and 1 specialist. The first doctor said because she understands my situation she would say 3 or 4 months until I try again from when David was born. Not before then though.. The Specialist said 9 months but he preferred a year. And my doctor at my last visit had said we should wait but if we got pregnant before a year I would be ok. So my husband and I decided March would be when we started trying again. However, at this visit my doctor decided to tell me she agreed very very very strongly with the specialist on having me wait, at least 9 months. Now that is six more months and I know in my head it's not that far away but it makes my heart ache, it seems to long to me. But we discussed it and my husband is worried about my safety and any future babies we may have and we decided (I agreed although i was very disgruntle) that we would wait until September.

So throw that in with my due date approaching, David's headstone going up, and AF showing up, you have a very unhappy Jenna on your hands. It's not that I was unhappy, it was that I was sad. I was depressed. I felt let down. Ben and I have had many prophesies over us about babies, and multiplying. Even before I got pregnant with David. But I started to doubt. Doubt that any of that was true. I started asking why God. Why even give me David if you were going to take him from me. I had my break down in our bathroom, crying and screaming and asking why. My husband standing next to me telling me he didn't know why.

That was my breaking point. I stayed in bed on Sunday morning. My husband tried but he could not get me out of bed to go to church. I said no repeatedly I wasn't going. I wasn't going see all those babies. You see, everyone who was pregnant at the same time as me have had their babies. And some come to church. One in particular was born after David and they named him David also. So whenever that baby is near me I can't help but cry. Because I start thinking about how completely unfair life is and throwing myself a pity party. And boy was I throwing myself a pity party that morning. So no I wouldn't go. I wouldn't go and see those babies, and I wouldn't go and break down in front of everyone and I wouldn't go and have everyone asking me if I was ok or telling me I was so strong because I am not strong.

My husband left and about 1030 my mom came to check on me. She managed to get me out of bed and get me dressed.. We went for a walk, we both cried, and we talked, But it was good to get out. I still wasn't over my sadness but I realized I can't just waste away. Staying in bed and staying down wasn't the answer all it would do is bring me down.

I miss David. Everyday of my life. I know I always will. A part of my heart is missing. However there's so many people out there who have it worse than me. I have a God who loves me and I have to trust in him even when it's hard.

You may pray and pray and pray that the Lord will take your pain away and he may say no. When he says no you need to say ok Lord what is it that you want me to take from this pain and this trial. Because he has a plan, we just might not see it.

I'm still not out of the storm, I'm not out of the darkness yet. But I know I will be ok. The Lord promised me I would be.

Website

My husband and I have started a website. We started it in hopes to help people who are grieving. It is called Davidsheart.weebly.com

Please visit it and if you know someone who could uses some comfort please give them the website to visit.

Thank you :)