David Jury

Have you ever felt a feeling as though something is missing? A feeling so deep inside you, that you just can't understand it? It's a physical feeling, as though there is a hole in your heart and no matter what you just can't fill it. I have never felt that way, atleast not until this past December.

There is a picture in my living room, above my couch. The picture says "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

My husband and I have been married for almost two years. The first year of our marriage we started trying for a baby. Oh how I wanted a baby, I have ever since I could remember. I absolutely adore children and the one thing I want more than anything is to be a mother. The Lord knows and gives us the desires of our hearts, right?

We tried for over a year with no luck. I did not understand, but I trusted in the Lord anyway. In June of 2011 we went to the doctor to see if everything was ok with me. Turned out everything was. This brought so much relief to me. I had an ultrasound to make sure my uterus was ok. It was. My mom was with me, and the ultrasound technician actually told me I was ovulating then. She joked that I needed to run home and have sex with my husband. I of course did not take that as a joke, and listened to her. A couple weeks later I took a pregnancy test, and then I took two more, and then I went to the doctor and took another. God had finally showed me favor and I was pregnant! I was so excited I told everyone. This was our first child, my parents first grandbaby. It was going to be so spoiled and I could hardly wait to start showering my love and kisses on it. 9 months couldn't come soon enough.

I had a pretty normal pregnancy. The morning sickness, though horrible, was pretty normal, so I'm told. I threw up 4 to 5 times a day and was nauseous all day long. this lasted 4 monthsI grew, my doctor's appointments were all normal. I had an over all healthy pregnancy with no complications. At 20 weeks we found out we were having a little boy. My husband was beyond thrilled, and I was also very excited. We picked the name David out, after David from the bible, and we anxiously awaited the birth of our little miracle.

On December 9, 2011 I was at a christmas party for the church ladies at my mom's. I was feeling good, just tired, when suddenly my back and stomach started having this awful pain in it. I started feeling nauseous and crampy. I moved off to a room by myself so i didn't draw any attention to me. I called my husband into the room and told him something just did not feel right, this was not normal. We went to the ER and everything started happening so fast. The ER sent me upstairs to labor and delivery. They then called my doctor and the labor and delivery doctor. One of the nurses took my BP, then took it again, then took it again. She then went and got another machine and took it again, and then one more time. My blood pressure was 197/120. The nurses took my blood, and performed multiple other tests as quickly as possible. The doctors came in and talked to me, they seemed so concerned. But I was calm. When all the tests came back it showed that I had toxemia. My mom had toxemia with my older brother, I still wasn't nervous. I kept saying "The will of God never takes you where the grace of God does not protect you." That was my comfort.

The doctor ordered a steroid shot for the baby, "just in case" and then asked if were "indianapolis people" or "cincinnati people". Cincinnati of course is what we said! My husband was pacing, he was nervous. he's never still anyway but this pacing was on a whole new level for him. I asked him, what does the sign above our couch say? He looked at me with a little smile and said I know, you are right. They loaded me into the ambulance and took me to Good Sam. That was the longest night of my life. When the nurses at Good Sam finally got me checked in, performed all the tests they needed, and hooked me up to all the machines, it was around 3:00 or 4:00 o'clock in the morning. I was exhausted but I could not sleep, who sleeps in a hospital anyway? My mom, my dad, and my husband stayed in the room with me. The next morning brought some more tests. Sunday brought even more tests. They were worried about the baby, they gave me another round of steroids "just in case". The doctor, there was a new one everyday, said he wanted to try and get me to 28 weeks, although he didn't see that happening. He told me and my family to prepare ourselves for an early delivery. I was still calm, peaceful, the Lord was in control, I knew that.

Monday morning I was sent down to ultrasound as soon as they opened, my mom, and my husband were there with me. My Dad came a little later.They never left my side through the whole weekend, thank the Lord for a wonderful family. The ultrasound technician seemed really concerned. There on the screen was my beautiful baby boy. I smiled, I created that, my husband and I created him. I could not wait to hold him, and kiss him. He was our gift from the Lord. The technician asked me if we had a name picked out, we said David. She smiled and went out to get yet another doctor. I had meet this doctor earlier in the week, she was very kind. She ran some tests and I could tell by their whispering that something wasn't right. Soon they turned to me and said that David wasn't getting all the oxygen he needed, he was also not getting most of everything else he needed. My placenta, because of my toxemia, was not growing the way it should, was not providing for my baby the way it should, and because of this David was not growing the way he should. I was at 27 weeks but he was developed like he was at the 24 week mark. The best choice would be to deliver David and to prepare myself because he was going to be really tiny 1 Ib 7 oz is what the tech estimated. For the first time all weekend I broke down in tears. I felt as though I couldn't protect my baby boy and that broke my heart.

The next two hours were a blur, I was taken to the operating room, given the epidural, my husband came in, he was nervous, but I was calm. What does the picture above our couch say, I asked him. Within ten minutes my baby boy was out of me. The NICU took him, I couldn't see him but my husband could. He looked at me and said "he has a full head of black hair" I said what? nuh huh you are kidding. The nurse told us at this stage he wouldn't have any hair. Well she was wrong. When I finally got to see David I saw he had a full head of black hair and he was the most beautiful baby I had every seen. I was in love, my husband was in love, and proud, my parents were in love. Even my brother was in love. David was a miracle. For a week I stayed in the hospital and I went to the NICU as much as possible to see my precious baby. I longed to hold him, but I could only touch him. Friday I went home. I went back to cinci to see David, sat. I went back, sunday I went back with my mom and my husband. David had being doing so well. Gaining weight, breathing more and more on his own. I was so proud of my baby boy. I hoped soon I would get to hold him. Sunday, December 18 my mom and me and my husband arrived at the hospital. The hospital had called right before and told me they were concerned because David had a spot on his lungs, he was having to work a little harder to breathe.

When we arrived at the NICU we spoke to the Doctor. he told me everything he had said on the phone, but I remained optimisitic. Little David had finally opened his eyes and he was staring right at us. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. Everything is going to be fine, I told my husband, he is going to have bad days, they told us that was normal. My husband agreed and left to take his dad to the bus stop, my mom left to go get a soda. The nurse asked me to move (I was holding david's hand) so they can give him blood. I went to the wall and sat down, 10 minutes passed and all of a sudden there were 10 nurses around David's incubator along with some doctors. I knew something was going on but I just didn't know what. A nurse came over and sat down next to me, she looked sad, I remember thinking. She looked at me and said is there anyone here with you that you can call? I told her where my husband and mom went. She said, "you need to call them, is there a priest or a preacher you want to call." I just stared at her. What? I said, what are you talking about? David is fine, he was just fine, what are you saying? she looked at me and said "It is not looking good" with sympathy in her eyes, I know she was being kind but I had a strong urge to smack her. Of course I didn't. Instead I got up and went to the hallway in a panic, looking for someone, anyone. She followed, saying something about how I really needed to come back. my mom was there, thank God. She grabbed my hand and the nurse kept saying how bad it was. My mom asked the question I was took scared to ask, "Is he dying?" The nurse nodded her head, we believe so she said. We walked back into the NICU together and watched them work on my baby. my husband came and held my hand. Sobbing I kept saying to myself "no, no the Lord wouldn't give me David just to take him away from me, I don't understand, no no no" 40 minutes later a doctor came and said it was not looking good, and asked if I wanted to hold my baby while he was still alive. Of course I did, that was all I had wanted all week. My husband and I walked over to the incubator. There laid my sweet baby boy, but he was discolored, from being down so long, the sight made me hurt, I lost it. I was his mother, I was supposed to protect him, I remember thinking, but I couldn't, not from this.

The doctor told us we had a decision to make. We could keep David alive on the machines, until he got better, but because he had been down so long he may be brain damaged or we could take him off the machines and let him go. I couldn't make myself speak. This was not happening. How is a mother supposed to make this kind of decision? I held my baby, he looked so fragile. I asked the doctor to give me a minute, and I told the Lord that I could not make this decision. My husband told me to make it, my mom told us to make it with our hearts. I looked at my husband and said baby, I can't make this decision. A minute later David's heart rate started dropping, the doctor came over and said "it looks like you do not have to make this decision after all." They took David off all the machines and gave us a private room, by that time my Dad was there. My brother was on his way, sometime our pastor and his wife came. All I could think was how angry at God I was. Why did he give me my baby just to take him away? When he knew how badly I wanted him. How badly we all wanted him. I was angry, I did not talk. I sat and held my sweet baby until he passed away in my arms. I continued to hold him, we all held him. I stayed angry. Until I got home. I was laying in bed in the middle of the night in pain that I had never felt before. No mother should ever have to go through losing their child, but it happens all to often. I was angry at God, I kept asking him why. When suddenly God reminded me of what I have been saying all week, "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." His ways are not our ways, he is the God who gives and takes away. Why? I have no idea. but he is, and He is still the Lord. I couldn't deny him even if I wanted to.

Yes I am still in pain, and yes I still have moments where I'm mad. But the Lord can handle my anger, he knows my pain. He gave us baby David for a season, a time, and in that time David touched more lives than most people do in a lifetime. He healed relationships, without saying a word, and he showed us all love. I do not know why the Lord gave me David if I wasn't going to be able to keep him, but I am thankful he did. Because for a week I was able to cherish my baby boy. I know one day I will see him again, and until then I will lean onto the Lord to help me walk through this.