Wise words

Growing up my mom taught me many things. One of the most important things she taught my was how to be a good wife. Proverbs 31, is also a good guide. No being a wife is not easy. My husband and I have our share of problems, however we have been through so much together. He is my best friend. I am connected to him in a way that I am not connected to anyone else. Marriage is not sacred anymore. People use divorce as a scape goat. Before my husband and I got married we made sure we both understood that divorce was never an option for us. I know I have to work hard to perserve and protect my marriage.

My mom told me this before I got married. And it's the best piece of advice I could give to anyone that is married. Don't Talk Bad About YOUR Husband. to Anyone. Ever.

My mom is a wise woman.

If you are reading this blog and have never read her blog I encourage you to go over to hers and read through her writings. She is a wonderful writer (better than me). And you will truely enjoy reading through her stuff. :)

http://www.mylifeasdiane-diane.blogspot.com/

A healing and a tragedy

The night I lost David I felt angry at God. I had waited so long for my baby. It took my husband and I over a year to even get pregnant. So when I was sitting in that little hospital room, surrounded by my family, holding my precious baby. I looked into his eyes and saw the life slipping out of him, I continued my argument with the Lord. It was the same argument I had with him over and over again when my husband and I were trying to concieve. And then it started back up when I stood in the NICU watching them work on my baby, fighting to keep him alive. It just escalated into something more. I kept saying to the Lord, why would you take my baby from me, why would you give him to me and then take him from me. You knew I wanted him, you knew I would love him and take good care of him. Why give him to me if you knew you were going to take him from me. I was mad. I wanted so badly to say Lord I'm done. But you see, even if I wanted to leave the Lord, I couldn't, I could never deny God. I know he's real. I may not agree with all that has happened in my life but I know the Lord is real, I know this because he healed me 7 years ago.

When I was 11 years old I was diagnosed with scoliosis. It is pretty common, however it causes severe pain. Atleast it did for me whenever I stood for long periods of time, my back would constantly hurt. I had an S curve in my spine. I would get xray after xray. The s curve never went away and by the time I was 17, I had reached the height I would be for the rest of my life and the s curve was still there. The doctors said it wasn't severe enough to do surgery, I would just have to live with it.

One sunday morning during church when I was 17 we had a guest speaker. An evangelist. During worship he started praying for people, by then I had been standing for quite some time and needed to sit. My back had started hurting really bad. Shortly after i sat down the evangelist said he felt like the Lord wanted him to pray for someone with scoliosis. I thought maybe I should go up, but then I had been prayed for many times before in my life and I was never healed. So I told myself I wouldn't go up unless the Lord led someone to tell me to go up. I stayed seated. Not long after, my mom came over and said I should go get prayer. So I thought alright, what's one more guy praying for me anyway. So I went up to the speaker. I closed my eyes fully expecting him just to pray a prayer. Instead he told me to sit on the pew. He said keep your eyes open I want you to see this. He asked for my feet and I gave them to him. He pointed out how one leg was shorter than the other due to the curve. He started praying and as he prayed my legged stretched out and I felt a pop in my back. I fully believed I had been healed. It was a miracle.

A few weeks later I was at cheerleading practice and during a stunt I was dropped in a way where I landed on my head. I went to urgent care and they did xrays. It turned out I had a bruise on my strenum and a fractered veterbre. But the amazing thing was what happened when the doctor brought in my xrays. He was showing them to me and my mom and dad. I said is that really my spine? He said "yes, isn't it beautiful? Your spine is straight as a pine, you have a spine most people would want." He had no idea I had, had scoliosis. I couldn't believe it, I had believed the Lord had healed me, but right there, that was my proof.

So you see, the Lord works miracles. One tragedy in my life can not erase a wonderful healing that has also happened in my life. So even though I was mad at God, and still at times I feel angry, I can't turn my back. Because if I choose to be that selfish, I know I would only be lying to myself. The Lord can take my anger. But I know he loves me. He loves me so much he sent his son to die for me. Can you imagine? Giving up your only child to save humanity?

That is true love.

Explanation

The one question that has haunted me since David passed away is WHY?
I ask myself that a couple times everyday. I have been offered many different explanations by people, just trying to help. Most of the time people just say the Lord has a plan. I know he has a plan but that doesn't explain anything.

My husband and I went to a concert the other night. The Rock and Worship concert. They had many different christian bands there with great messages but the message that touched me the most was by Bart Millard. He is the lead singer of MercyMe. If you haven't heard their music you should listen to them. Very uplifting. He had said that this year was a tough year for him, they had lost someone in their family. he said he questioned God quite a bit on this. He kept asking Why Lord. He said the Lord told him "The healing is not in the explanation it's through me."

This is so true. Even if I knew why David was taken from me, it won't make the pain go away. Even if I had an explanation I won't heal any faster. I can only heal through the Lord, with time.

A few days ago I went to the kidney doctor. I still had traces of protein in my body which is abnormal. so my regular doctor sent me to a kidney specialist to rule out anything being wrong. The doctor was an older Indian gentleman, who was a very interesting fellow. He asked me how much David weighed when he was born and I said 1 Ib 9 oz. He then asked how he was doing (He didn't know he had passed away). I told him, and he said he was sorry. Then he went on to say "To bring you a little bit of comfort he wouldn't have been normal." Which I wouldn't say that really brought me any comfort but atleast he tried. He was the only person who has said David wouldn't have been normal. I'm sure he was judging soley on his birth weight. But he made a good point. We just don't know. Maybe the Lord took David because he knew he would have problems here on earth. I'm not sure. I'm not positive that I even want to know. But to me, David was perfect. And it wouldn't have mattered if anything was wrong with him anyway, because I would love him no matter what.

I may never know why David was taken from me so soon. But like the Lord said, the healing is not in the explanation. I just have to know the Lord has my back and always will.

Roses and Thorns

I am going to get completely real with you for a minute. I struggle quite a bit with resentment. I habor resentment in my heart that I know shouldn't be there. And yes I am a christian. As a christian I struggle, I struggle with the Lord's plan even though I know he has a great plan that I do not know. I have many good days in a row and then all of a sudden a bad day happens. I feel bitterness in my heart towards anyone. I will see someone with a happy family, children, babies usually, and I think "Lord now how is that fair, why did they get to keep their child and I had to loose mine?" I know it's selfish of me to think that way, and I know it's not right. I can't be jealous, but I am.

I get resentful when I see a person have child after child and they don't seem to care one bit for the child, they put them in foster care, or they don't even bother having the child and abort it before it even has a chance. When I see these terrible mothers and terrible fathers having these sweet babies and me, well I didn't even get to keep mine. That makes me resentful. I know it's wrong and I pray every time I start to feel that way for the Lord to help me. Break me to the point where I stop being so selfish.

I have good days yes. but those bad days, those bad days are often. Anything sets me off anymore, it's like my emotions are on the surface. I cry at every show and movie I watch, even if it's not the least bit sad. I cry when I think about anything child related. I know I will eventually get through this storm, but right now i'm in the mist of it. Right now I feel it so raw, everyday, and most moments are almost unbearable. I sometimes ask God what the purpose is. Ask him if I can just come home already, but I know I am here for a reason. If I could crawl into bed and stay there forever I would. But life will go on and force me to go on too.

I know I will have more children. I'm not worried about that. I often get that advice "oh you will have more children, God has a purpose" I know he does, I know that I will have more kids. But I can't just casually shrug off the death of my first child. I know that's not what anyone means, they all love me and it's all said just to comfort me. I had a bad day today, I pray that tomorrow will be a good day.

Moving Foward is harder than they say..

Today I did one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Besides watch my own son pass away.

My husband and I live in a three bedroom house. One of the rooms I had converted into my husband's office a long time ago. I felt like he needed a space to write his sermons and study. The other extra room had been serving as a play room for the kids I take care of. When I found out I was pregnant I slowly started converting the playroom into David's room. When David passed away the NICU at Good Sam gave us a couple bags full of his stuff that we had up at the hospital, things he used. For example they gave us the blankets he was wrapped in, the hats he wore and the pacy he sucked on. They also gave us the things we had up at the hospital for him. A few blankets, a bear, etc. They gave me a box of his footprints, a piece of his hair, his thumbprints, and more. Well when I came home the night of Dec. 18th I placed all those bags and the box in the play room and shut the door.

I knew I eventually would have to clean out that room and convert it back to a play room. Since I've been off of work I've had so many ideas of how I want to do the room. But I wouldn't make myself go back in that room and look through those things. It was too painful. I am off of work for one more week and then I'm starting back up again. I knew I needed to get a start on that room.

So today I opened the bags and the box and decided where I wanted to put all of David's things. I put away all the clothes we had bought for him, The blankets, and the stuffed animals. This was the second hardest thing I've ever done. For me I wasn't simply putting away clothes and toys and blankets. I was putting away a dream I had. To me, putting these things up signaled something. No I"m not saying bye to my son, I know he's in heaven and I will one day get to see him again. But I"m saying goodbye to all the hopes I had for David, all the things I had planned, all the dreams I had dreamed up.

I know I will have more children, but this, putting away these things makes my heart ache.

Love you through it.





There is this beautiful song by Martina Mcbride, called love you through it. It's a song about cancer, however I feel as though this song could apply to any tragedy in life, because when we go through something we often feel weak and like we can't go on any longer. That is why is is so important to have a support system in your life. I have a great support system. I have my husband, my parents, my brothers, my sister-in-law, My aunts, uncles, and cousins, my church family, my in-laws on ben's side, I have countless friends who are there for me. I am so blessed. If you are struggling with something find a support system. Having support doesn't mean things heal any faster, or make it all hurt less. But it means you have someone there when you feel as though it's all crashing down. It means you have people in your life who will sit and listen when all you can do is cry. It means when you are having a bad day after countless good days you can go to someone and they will understand. It means you have people who love you and are willing to love you through your tragedy. There's a beautiful line in Martina Mcbride's song. It goes "She said I don't think I can do this anymore, he took her in his arms and said that's what my love is for." I just think that verse is so powerful. And after your support system has been there for you and you are feeling healed, be prepared to be there for them. Because we are not the only ones in this life who go through difficult times.

The picture I have at the beginning of this blog really touched me because it's so true. We cannot look at someone and tell if they have a broken heart. But it hurts just the same. Like anything broken with time a broken heart heals. However, it will leave a scar. Just like anything else. Sure the scar doesn't hurt as bad, but it's still visible and it takes a part of you.

 I have physical scars. I have two scars on my face, both are very little but they are there anyway. One is from having chicken pox. The other is from when I was a toddler, I fell against a coffee table and cut above my lip. I have my c-section scar that is slowly healing. I have scars on my legs from when I was learning to shave and cut myself on accident a few times. I have two scars in my hands from having IV's in me for a week while I was in the hospital.

I also have emotional scars. I have a scar from the pain I felt when my Pappy passed away, and my other two grandpa's as well. I have an emotional scar from when my Mamaw had a stroke. I have a scar from when David passed away. But I also had people there with me, helping me through it. That's what has helped me through each tough time in my life. We need each other. However I'm not the only one with emotional scars. I cannot get deep into my pain and think I'm the only one out there hurting. My family hurts too. They miss David as much as I do. But that doesn't mean the pain doesn't exsist. So instead of sinking deeper and deeper into your pain, find someone. Find someone to talk to who you trust. Someone who will listen and not judge you for feeling how you feel. Find someone who will be patient with you and your pain. Find someone who will just hug you when there's nothing to say. Humans are a species with feelings. The Lord gave us feelings for a reason. He wants us to feel. If we didn't feel sadness then we wouldn't feel happiness either. And I wouldn't have given up the joy I felt after my son was born if my life depended on it. Even if I had known I wouldn't have him for very long.

Whether it feels like it or not everyone has someone in their life that will love them through tragedies. I am blessed because I have more than a handful of people who have been loving me through this. And I will be there for them and love them through any tough times in there life. Because that's what we should do.

Love.

Love you through it- Martina McBride

Unplaceable Blame

As a mother, when I lost David, I lost a part of me. my son was a part of me that no other person could fill. Not even my husband. The love I feel for David is extraordinary, only a parent could understand. So of course as a mother when I lost my baby the first thing I wanted to do was put the blame on someone. First I thought about blaming God, I was mad enough. however I know that the Lord doesn't do things to us, he may allow things to happen, but that's not the same thing. Then I started blaming myself. I was his mom. I felt as though I should have been able to protect him. But that blame didn't fit there either. Then I wanted to blame the doctors and nurses. Did they take him off of antibiotics too soon? I mean he got the infection the day after they took him off. But I knew even if I did blame the doctors and nurses it wouldn't make me feel any better. It also didn't feel right because Good Sam was so good to us and I truely believe they did all they could to save my son. So there I am. Stuck with this unplaceable blame. Sorta like one of those toddler toys where you put the shapes in the correct hole. However, I am stuck with a shape with no matching hole. But that is ok. Because I truely believe that placing blame somewhere will not help me heal.

loving who you are.

It is important to know WHO you are as a person. No I'm not talking about your name and who your parents are. I mean who you are. What makes you; you. I believe in being raw. In being yourself. To many times people try to put on a front and make themselves seem better than who they are. But with me, what you see is what you get.

I'm an emotional girl. Things make me cry, especially now. I absolutely love children. I perfer to be with children over being with adults. I watch dramatic shows like gossip girl, OTH, 90210, and Pretty Little Liars. Why? Because my llife is relatively drama free and that's how i like it. I get my drama fill by watching it on tv. I am confident in myself. I love sarcasm. I love my family. I can go on and on about what makes me; me. What makes you; you? There is nothing wrong with being yourself. There is nothing wrong with showing who you are. Have a high self-worth. Be all you can be. Especially if you are a woman. Don't sell yourself short.

Job

This week I've been studying the book of Job. Yes I've read it before but I've never really took the time to study it. To really try to understand what Job felt, how he got through all these tragedies in his life. If you have not read the book of Job I strongly encourage you to. Especially if you are struggling with something in your life. If you have trouble understanding some of it try using a study bible.

Most of us know what Job went through. He lost everything he owned and he lost his children all in the same day. Well if we pay close attention to the book of Job at the beginning, we see that Satan comes to the Lord after roaming the earth looking for someone to decieve. He tells the Lord this and the Lord says what about my servant Job? There's none out there like him. Satan then goes on to say in basic terms, well you have your hedge about him and his family and all he owns, I can't touch him.

Let's think about that for a minute. Isn't that amazing?  Satan could not touch anything that belonged to Job or Job himself, because the Lord put his protection around him, I find that so incredible. We can take comfort knowing the Lord WILL protect us if we are children of his.

Next the Lord goes on to say ok well I give you permission to try him. Just do not touch the man himself. You see Satan was convinced that once Job lost everything he would turn his back on God. But God had faith that Job would not ever turn his back on him. So Satan attacked him. See something very interesting here. God himself did not harm Job and his family. The Lord just allowed it to happen. In this particular situation it was to test Job's faith and show Satan that he's faithful to the Lord.

So Job loses everything and his wife tells him to curse God and die. Ouch, that would stink not having your spouse there supporting you. Job tells his wife that she was talking like a foolish woman and says "shall we accept good from the Lord and not trouble?" So in all of this Job never cursed God.

Next Satan comes back to God and says no Job didn't falter in his faith in God BUT if Job becomes ill he will then turn his back on God. So the Lord says ok just do not kill the man himself. How amazing is this conversation. The Lord is actually giving Satan permission to make Job ill. Why? because he knew Job would stay faithful and he had great things in store for Job.

So Job falls ill. His three best friends come and sit with him for 7 days. By this time Job is pretty depressed. You can tell in the way he talks. He doesn't understand why is it that these things are happening. This shows me that when we are going through trials and tests and are a christian, it is OK to be sad. It is ok to be depressed and it is ok to question things. As long as we don't turn our backs on God, he will always see us through.

So after these 7 days his friends start in on him. They tell him in a round about way that he must have done something to deserve all these things and he needs to repent. They also say a whole bunch of other things and just were very rude to Job. Not supportive or loving like they should have been. So Job calls them out on it and you see many chapters of his friends talking and then of Job talking. I feel sorry for the man, his wife and friends turned on him. He had no support system whatsoever. It is important to have a support system especially through trying times.

In the end The Lord finally answers Job and tells him what's up. He curses Job's friends for speaking untruths into Job's life. Then he doubly blesses Job.

That is something we should all hold on to. This story is so amazing in so many ways. If you are a child of God the Lord has a hedge of protection around you and all that belongs to you. It shows that the Lord never does anything to us, he just allows things to happen. And before a tragedy happens Satan has to get permission from the Lord before doing it. WOW. so amazing. Then, this story shows that even if we are sad and depressed and questioning why, the Lord still loves us. It is ok, you are not turning your back on him by questioning. Trust me, when David passed I did alot of questioning. I don't know why it happened. but I know the Lord loves me, and he loves my husband and family.

The most amazing part to me is that Job was doubly blessed. He got everything he lost back, times 2. So cool. I know the Lord will bless me. I don't know when or how, but I know that I will be blessed. And I know that the Lord loves me. That's what truly matters.

So if your going through I trial open up the book of Job. Read how he handled his trials. Lean on the Lord. Because sooner or later it will all get better.
This too shall pass.

Heaven is for Real..

Heaven is for Real..

I finished this book in 3 hours. I absolutely love it. This little boy's innocence about heaven brought me to tears. Of course with everything I come in contact with I looked up information on him. This brought me to a bunch of articles written about how "fake" this story is. Which of course made me laugh at our world's insane ignorance. Do we have nothing better to do but to criticize the ones with faith? First I want to start off by saying that if the bible is in fact fake and made up of stories then why has it been around for 2000+ years? Stories are just that, if they are fake stories made they fade away with time. The Bible has not. Secondly I want to say yes you are free to live however you want. You also live with consequences. SO, You live your way and I'll believe in God. When we die we will both see in the end whose right. Either you're right and we will just lay in the ground and decay, which will be of no loss to me, because hey I'll be gone. OR I'm right, and we face judgment together and while you will go to hell for your unbelief, I will get to enjoy heaven for eternity because I believed. That decision is on you. While I believe everyone should have freedom of speech, calling a young boy a "demon" is rediculous and not freedom of speech, it's stupidity and frankly annoying.

Thirdly, I find it very amazing that the very same "athiests" I know, who claim there's no God are the very ones who call out to "God" when they are in a time of need, say a tragedy. It's also these very same athiests who will tell their loved ones "I'm praying for you" when in fact they don't pray at all. So do me a favor. The next time I'm in a tragedy and you want to tell me you're praying for me. Please don't. Because let's face it, you're not. And even if you were your prayers won't be heard because the Lord hears the prayers of the RIGHTEOUS and well get real, these "athiests" are anything but righteous. :) Have a good night.

Blessings

Everytime I start to get sad and feel like throwing myself a pity party I think of all the many blessings the Lord has given me.

He has given me a wonderful husband. Man is he wonderful. He does whatever he can to provide for us. He loves the Lord with all of his heart. We have been through some things together and we are going to go through more. That's life right? But we always stick together, never fall apart. Because I need him, and he needs me.

The Lord has given me an amazing Family. My mom and dad have always been great parents. Teaching us the foundations we need throughout life. Common sense, and the word of God. They always told us we could do and be anything we wanted to. They encouraged us in everything we did.

My mom and I have always been close. I would go anywhere with her, I always wanted to. I still go everywhere with her usually. I remember one time when I was little I wanted to go to the library with her and I couldn't find my shoes. So she left without me. I stood at my room window and watched her leave. My heart broke into a million pieces! or it felt like it because I was so little I didn't want to be away from my mom.

Growing up I always thought my dad was the most handsome and strongest man alive. I still think he is ONE of the most handsome and strongest men alive :). He's always there for me no matter what. I know he loves me. When I learned how to drive and he was teaching me where everything was; the spare tire, etc. I asked him "ok daddy, now when something happens how do I do those things? How do I change a tire, or oil, etc." He looked at me and said "what do you mean what do you do. you don't do anything, you call me" lol. He has always taken care of his family, and I know he always will.

God has also blessed me with two wonderful brothers. Complete opposites yes, but still both so wonderful in their own ways. My older brother lives in Phili. I miss him like crazy. After David passed him and his wife Gifty left early the next morning and came to Indiana to be here for us. That touched my heart. They both are so caring. My older brother and I have always been close since we were little. My mom said he used to talk about what he was gonna do with Jenna while she was pregnant with me. They didn't even know if I was a girl or boy. We would play for hours while I was little. He has such an imagination, still does.

My younger brother, well he's stubborn, and believes he knows everything.but I wouldn't want him any other way. He's protective. When I first met my husband and we dated for a while then he told me he just wanted to be friends. I was heart broken. Of course my brother was mad. He instantly deemed my husband a "jerk" and told me I should not talk to him any longer. Of course when I started seeing him again my younger brother wasn't too happy. Then he met Ben and got to know him, his opinion changed. But I am thankful that he is so protective. Like I said I wouldn't want him any other way.

The Lord has also blessed me with wonderful friends who are always here for me. I would be here all day if I named off all of them. But I have amazing friends who, after David passed, came and sat with me, came to the hospital to see me, sent me cards, and letters. And even if they couldn't come see me I knew they still cared and loved me. You really know who your friends are when a tragedy happens and man let me tell you I am blessed to say I have some great friends.

God has blessed me with so much. He also blessed me with 6 glorious days with my son. I will always cherish those moments and I know when I get to heaven I will have an eternity with David. That in itself is a blessing. How many parents can say for sure that they know their child is in heaven? Well I can. That is my biggest blessing of all.

Nothing is Invalid

The other day I was talking to my mom and she fleetingly said something that really got me thinking.

She said it in a conversation, probably without thinking about it, but she is right.

No one's feelings are invalid.

Who are we to say whether a person has the right to feel a certain way about situations. Whether a person is facing a break-up, a loss of someone, or even of a pet. Whether someone is upset because of a losing a job or ripping their favorite jeans. Who am I to say their feelings don't matter? Or that my feelings are worse than theirs? I'm not anyone. I can't say that, and no one else can either.

Feelings are real. Very real. The Lord gave them to us for a reason. We have feelings so we can experience the good with the bad. The happy with the sad. We have the ability to swell up when we hear someone we love say I love you back. We feel pain. But we also feel joy. Feelings are important. They mean something.

They mean that you are capable of living life to the fullest. They mean you can empathisize with someone going through a difficult time. They mean that you can love so much that your heart feels like bursting.

I think the Lord for the feelings he gave me. Even if I feel as though I can't handle the pain any longer and then I look at my family, and I swell up because I love them so much.

So the next time you have the urge to dismiss someone's feelings because the situation seems so petty, stop yourself. We should make it an effort to be kind to everyone we meet and know. You never know what kind of pain someone is in. And the pain they feel that you think is so silly? well that could be the worst pain they've ever felt.

They may need someone.

and that person may be you.

"getting on with life"

Sometimes I feel as though people just don't understand. And it's true, unless someone has also lost a child or grandchild, they don't understand.  I know I didn't understand until this happened. I get the vibe sometimes that I'm just expected to "move on with life". Like doing that is so easy. It's not easy. I feel as though I'm in a black haze. frozen. My heart rebreaks everyday. Everyday I wake up and I come to the realization that no this was not just a bad nightmare, everything is still the same, and David is still gone.

However, if someone has never experienced this, they believe it is easy to pick up and move on with life. I have gotten so much "advice" from people. And I love the friends and people in my life who love me enough to make an effort to make sure I'm doing ok. But I don't need advice. I just need to grieve. I don't need to be told that I have to keep going because life doesn't stop for anyone. I know that. I don't need to be told how long I should wait to get pregnant again. I don't need to be told that life isn't fair. I don't need to be given advice on how to make my body more healthy. I don't need to be told David's in a better place. I don't need to be told that there's a reason for everything. I know all these things.

What I need is to grieve at my own pace. What I need is for everyone to be patient with me. What I need is for people to understand "getting on with life" just is not possible for me right now. I'm not sure when it will be.

his little hand

I miss David. I miss feeling him moving inside me, and kicking. He was a kicker.

I slept with his hat last night.

It still smelled like him... like oranges.

And I cried myself to sleep

So if you feel an urge to "help me along" please resist. It will not help me grieve "any faster" and the more I am told that life moves on and that I need to just continue on with it, the more I will want to dig my heels into the ground and resist.

Kind of like a kid.

Life

Throughout this past month and a half I have been told multiple times that I am strong. I just nod my head. The truth is I'm not strong at all. I'm just really good at faking it around people. There are days where I feel better and then there are days where I don't feel like going on anymore. Today is one of those days.

Today is one of those days where I didn't even want to get out of bed. I just wanted to lay in my bed and sleep all the monthes away. If that's even possible. I never remember a day where I didn't want to get out of bed, unless I was sick. To me life has always been a blessing. There was one other day where I didn't want to get out of bed and I ended up sleeping the day away. That was when my husband and I where dating and he told me he "just wanted to be friends". But this, this feeling I have is 100x worse than it was that day. This is an unbearable feeling. People keep saying it will get better but I don't see it getting better. I see it getting worse.

You know I am a relatively good person. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I don't cheat on my husband. I try to be as unselfish as I can be. I try my best to be kind to everyone I come in contact with. I would drop everything in an instant and help someone if they asked me to. My husband is a great man and a hard worker. My mom is completely unselfish and a wonderful mother to her children, wife to her husband, and friend to everyone else. My dad, he's one of the hardest workers I know (along with my husband) and he's always taken great care of his family. And the one thing any of them have ever wanted, the one thing I have ever truly wanted was my son. That's it. And we didn't get to keep him. Why not? It's so unfair and that's all I keep thinking today.

Yes I will go on. Yes time will move on and I will be forced to keep going, even when I don't want to. I will lean on the Lord even though today it's really hard. But I will keep doing it. I have no choice.

Strength

Strength

We have all heard of this word. But what does it really mean?

The definition of Strength is:

 

1. mental power, force, or vigor.

 

2. moral power, firmness, or courage.

 

To me strength is more than physical strength. You can be physically strong but that doesn't mean your strong in the areas of life that matters.

 

Close your eyes and picture the person you believe is the strongest person you know. Now thnk about what makes them so strong. Was it something in their life that made their true strength come out?

 

The strongest person I know is my mom. I know quite a few strong people, but she is the strongest. She may not think so but she is. My mamaw had a stroke 2 years ago and everyday since I have seen my mom get up and take care of her mother like it's a normal thing that everyone does. But it's not, I don't know many people who would be so unselfish to give up their life. But she is. She is strong, she is generous, she is unselfish. I know she gets her strength from the Lord and I admire her so much.

 

It's those people, those people who are strong, especially strong in the Lord, who you need to lean on in the storms of life. They are the ones who will make sure you don't give up. If you are going through something and you feel as though you are drowning in your grief and you don't have any strength to go on, I encourage you to go find the strongest person you know and unload all your emotions onto them. Trust me they can take it they are strong for a reason. Then after you do that, allow them to help you walk through this storm in your life. It might take a while but with someone's help you will get through.

Storms....

Today is a very stormy day.

When I was little I didn't like storms, they scared me, I was always afraid of a tornado. Now that I'm older I don't mind them too much. I rather enjoy them, as long as they don't get to bad!

Well this weather is gotten me thinking about storms of life.

Everyone has them. but most of the time we don't know when other people are going through a storm, unless we are close to them. That is why it is important to treat every person you come into contact with, with curtesy. You never know what they may be going through.

During this storm of my life the Lord really touched my family. He showed us how much he loves us through this.

After David passed away we wanted to give him a funeral. He deserved at least that. Normal funerals are around 4,000 dollars. Our funeral director brought the price down so generously I almost started crying there on in the room when he told us. My husband worked at Kroger and they donated all the food for after the funeral, free of cost. My brother works at Mcdonalds and they donated all the ice. My mom went to get her hair done and the lady who cuts it wouldn't charge her. The people who came to the funeral, all our friends who have been there for us when we felt we couldn't go on. We have been shown so much love through all of this. Through this tragedy we have seen how loved we are.

Through storms the Lord will shelter us. He will put his arms around us and try to protect us from the thunder and lightening as much as possible. Yes we will still get wet. Yes it will still be tough to get through. But we can take comfort knowing we aren't left alone to face these storms if we are a child of God.

Waiting....

Do you remember when you were a kid and everything you waited for seemed to take forever? You wait to grow up, even though I can't remember why I wanted to be an adult so badly.

You would wait for your birthday, then for christmas, and all the big holidays to start.

You would wait for school to start because you get so excited for the new year. Then after a couple of days you would wait for school to be over, because you realize nothing has changed and you remember you really didn't like school all that much anyhow.

It's all a waiting game. You think when you grow up you won't have to wait so much but the truth is that's what life feels like.. a waiting game.

Atleast for me it does.

It's like I'm constantly waiting.

Waiting to get pregnant, waiting to have my baby, waiting to bring him home.

Even the day he passed away we just stood there waiting, waiting for the inevitable to happen.

Now my husband and I have to wait to try again, then wait until I get pregnant, then wait to have the baby.

It's all just a waiting game.

Why do things happen..

One of the most common questions asked is "why do things happen"? That is a question that can't always be answered. So when we don't know the answer we say "Everything happens for a reason" Which I really believe, most of the time. But sometimes it's difficult to believe. What purpose do some things serve. Why did that have to happen if it truely happened for a reason. Why did I get toxemia? Why was my son born prematurely? Why did he have to die? I will never know the answers to those questions. But I can't sit around and ask myself those things everyday or I'll stoop down into a deeper and deeper depression.

Before I got pregnant with David my husband and I tried for over a year. I was constantly asking myself WHY am I not pregnant yet? Why are these women who don't even want babies getting pregnant? Some of these children will end up being in foster homes, others being aborted. While others will grow up being ignored. Now don't get me wrong, I know theres some amazing mothers out there. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the mothers like Casey Anthony, or my cousin's birth mother. I mean, I asked myself constantly why is it women like them get to call themselves a mother yet I would be a great mother and here I am not being able to get pregnant. That was just after one year. It didn't help that I was trying and around me people kept popping up pregnant, most of whom weren't even trying.  The question always on my mind was WHY.

But it didn't help to ask why then. It just made me more depressed. And I didn't want to live my life depressed. I wanted to enjoy the short time I have here. So I stopped asking why.
After David passed away I started asking why again. Why did he die? Why did the Lord give me him if he was just going to take him away. But I have to stop asking Why, because it will never get answered. Most of the questions we have in life will go unanswered, and that is ok. Because in the end do most of the questions we have even matter? I believe when we get to heaven most of the questions we had here on this earth won't even matter to us anymore. That is probably a good thing.

Benjamin Jury

I remember the first time I saw my husband like it was yesterday. I was actually dating someone else, I was not happy, the guy actually annoyed me. I was sitting in the back of chapel one day with this guy thinking I am not happy, I do not need to be dating him, I don't even like him. When Ben walked into chapel. He caught my eye, there was just something about him that made me smile. He walked with a confidence, not arrogance but something different, something sweet. You could see his love for God written all over his faced. I loved that. He talked to everyone and was so friendly. I remember thinking to myself "now I need to be dating someone like him not this guy." That was December of 2008.

A few weeks later there was a girl who was on my cheerleading squad talking about a date she was going on. She wouldn't tell us who at first. But someone kept pressing so she finally did. It was Ben. Everyone, except me, oooohed and ahhhed, oh he's so hot, I heard someone say. But I didn't say a word. I couldn't believe what was happening inside of me. Jealousy? I thought. Really Jenna? I said to myself. You don't even know this guy why are you so jealous. I went home for christmas break that weekend and came back a few weeks later. I occasionally thought about Ben but mainly tried to push him out of my mind. There was no way he would even notice me so I should just forget about it. I saw him around campus alot but other than that I never talked to him. I focused on my studies and eventually forgot about what I felt that day about him in chapel. At the end of Feb. I was getting ready for a Missions trip to Belize. We were leaving really late that night so I was killing time by Facebooking. I recieved a FB friends request. It was from Ben Jury, of course I accepted. A few minutes later my friend IM'd me. She said "Ben thinks your cute" me being the blonde I am said "Ben who" her reply was "the guy you just added duh". I waited for an hour for him to IM me but he never did. So I gathered my courage and said Hi. I mean it's FB right what's the worse that can happen. He said hi back and we talked for a few minutes. After that we both left for our seperate mission trips.

I thought about him quite a bit on my mission trip. He was so handsome and friendly. I didn't know much about him but I knew I couldn't keep him out of my head. When I got home from the missions trip he texted me. My friend had given him my number. We talked a little bit and then he asked me on a date. Of course I agreed. I was ecstatic. Did this really happen? Did the Ben Jury I saw from Chapel back in December just ask me out on a date? I immediately called my mom. This was to good to be true.

Our first date was Tues. March 10, 2009. I had to cheer at a basketball game so we decided to go out after. He meet me in the gym after the game and we went to Braums, It is an ice cream place, for those of you who don't know. I was so nervous. For those of you who know me, you know I'm a quiet person when I'm around new people, especially on a date. You also know that when I'm nervous I break out in hives all over my chest and neck and back. Well that's what happened. There I was in my red and black cheerleading uniform, with my chest and neck all broken out in red blotches. I looked like a red tomato. Atleast I was a cute red tomato. We ordered ice cream, sat in Braums and talked for what seemed like forever. We talked about everything, family, friends, our plans for our future. That is when Ben informed me that he had first noticed me through his dorm window. He saw me walking on the curb studying. He saw me quite a few times actually, he thought at first that my older brother was my bf. (which was a big let down to him until he found out he thought wrong lol) A Braums employee had to kick us out because they were closing. So we went to my car and sat and talked some more. I still wasn't done with my ice cream and ended up dripping it all over my uniform. Very embarrassing, of course Ben thought it was hilarious. We went out the next night. and that weekend also. We went out a few more times and I grew to really like him.

 It wasn't long afterwards that I realized I actually loved him. I couldn't get him out of my head. He consumed my thoughts, he consumed every bit of me. In May he asked me to be his girlfriend and in August he asked me to marry him. This man is the most amazing man I know. He is my best friend, the love of my life and I couldn't ask for a better husband. We both lost our son, but he has been so strong through all of this. I couldn't do this without him. He keeps me strong. He makes me laugh, He holds me tight. He protects me. He is the love of my life.

A Child's heart

My job is children. That's what I do, I watch children out of my home. I was made to work with children. I am going to school for child psychology. If you gave me a choice between working with children all day or working with adults, I'd pick the children. I just love it. I have been watching children since I was 11 years old. I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Sure I've had other jobs, a bakery, Sears, Walmart, and trust me, I hated them all. My heart is for children.

After I lost David I thought about my job alot. I thought about how it would be being around children all day every day. How could I do it. Yes I love children but my heart ached at the thought of taking care of other people's children when I couldn't take care of my own. Doing all the things with these children that I ached to do with David and knowing I never would get to do them. I get to play with these children, read them stories, hug them, hold them, kiss on them. I would never get to do any of those things with my son. Knowing this made me hurt to the core. It was almost unbearable to think about. I even entertained the thought of not doing childcare anymore. I thought about finding a different job, one that did not require me being around children. I knew I wouldn't be happy though. I had grown to love these children and their parents. I couldn't do that to them or to myself. But I decided to take eight weeks off. The longer I stayed off work and healed more emotionally the better for me and the children.

Monday I got to watch one of my little girls with my mom. I have been watching her since she was 6 weeks old. Her mom and my mom are best friends and we both needed to see her. You see this little girl is pure joy. She can make your heart feel so much lighter in any circumstance. Most of the day I was just fine. I enjoyed seeing her and playing with her all day. Seeing her smile made my day. Then towards the end of the day I started feeling so much emotional pain I couldn't hold it in any longer. I started thinking about my baby and having this little girl hug me made me think about how I will never recieve a hug from my baby. I will never get a kiss from him, or hear him say I love you. I lost it. Luckily my mom was there and she understood. She's Mawmaw and she hurts too. You see, I could never completely stop watching children. But I now think it's going to take me much longer than I thought to heal emotionally. Maybe I will have a few breakdowns while watching my children, but if that's what it takes to get through the day, then that is what is going to have to happen. Because I could never leave these children. I love them, and I love their hearts.

Learning to Trust Again..

My heart's desire has always been to have a child. So when my child was taken from me, my trust in anything and everything wanted to instantly go out the window. Of course my trust in alot of things, like my husband and my family, stayed put. It was mainly my trust in the fact that the Lord knows and cares about the desires of my heart, that was shaken. Yes I know the Lord loves me. I've always known that. But was it really true that the Lord knows the desires I have? Was it really true that he wanted the same things for me that I wanted? I had a strong urge to stop believing that anything I wanted really mattered to the Lord. If it did he wouldn't have taken my child, right?

After this happened in December I started an inner debate with myself. A debate on whether I should wait to try for another child or not. I had an emergency c-section with David and because he was so early and little I had to have a classical c-section on my uterus. That is when they cut u up and down, even though my stomach was cut bikini cut which is right to left. I know all the facts about c-sections. I know, the risks involved in getting pregnant too soon afterwards. I know the "advice" that "they" say, whoever they are. However, none of that dismisses my desire to have another child.

I went to the doctor about a week ago. My husband had to work, so my mom went with me. My doctor checked my BP, since it's being monitered and I've been on BP medicine since I delivered David. My main question though going into the doctor was "when can I start trying again?" This was the doctor who was with me at the hospital the night this started. This is the doctor who took my stitches out and cried with me and my mom and husband after David passed away. She was very understanding. She asked if I was on any birth control and I said no, I want to know when I can start trying again, I asked her straight up. She informed me of the concerns of c- section. How I need to be fully healed before I carry another baby and how if I get pregnant again too soon there's a chance my uterus could rupture. She talked about how this could be deadly to me and the baby. Then she looked at me and said the normal suggestion for after c-section is 1 year to 18 months. However she knows this is a completely different situation and her suggestion was no sooner than 3 to 4 months. But she wanted to call the Specialist and get his opinion to.

I was at my moms later that day when the Doctor's office called me. The woman on the phone was kind of callous. She said the Dr. has said 9 months to a year before I "attempt" another pregnancy. I didn't like the tone of her voice. My heart felt as though it was being squeezed. There was no way I wanted to wait that long. It's like I've been waiting forever as it is. I tried to hold the tears back but the instant I told my mom what she said my throat closed up and my eyes flooded with tears. Why was life always so full of waiting?

After I cried, I discussed it with my family. They made me realize what I couldn't before. These were just suggestions. I ultimately made the decision not them. Yes I need to be fully healed but they can't predict what can happen, they can meerly suggest what they think is best. I still didn't know what I was going to do but I felt more like I was in charge of my life and what was going to happen rather than someone who was being told what I had to do.

On Sunday morning me and my family went to church. We are Pentecostal and go to an Assemblies of God church. Our church family is amazing, we love them all so much. Because of what was going on with David and also some personal things that are going on with The Pastor's family- there was a very somber feeling at church sunday morning. Oh but once worship started that all changed. If you have never been to a real full out Pentecostal service I encourage you to try one out. I'm talking about the real thing- the talking in tongues, worshipping your heart out, tongue interpretations, prophesy etc. It's completely amazing. Well, that was how our church service went. Our Pastor did not preach because the Lord was already doing so much. I can't explain it, and unless you've actually experienced it you won't understand it. Well one church lady started speaking in tongues. First she went to the Pastor's family and the Lord was really doing a work in them. I stayed sitting down through this, although I'm not sure why. After a while of speaking in tongues she came over to my pew and motioned for me to come to her. She was praying and speaking in tongues. God was using her to speak to me. Through all of that there was one thing he wanted me to know. He knows my pain and heartache. After she left another lady came over to me and gave me a big hug, she said out of all of that there's one thing the Lord wants me to know "He's healed your womb" is what she said. She had no idea that is what was weighing so heavily on my mind and heart. Hearing that made me start sobbing. So the Lord does know the desires of my heart after all. She also spoke that to my husband.

Hearing that gave me assurance. It gave me peace that when I do get pregnant again, whenever that might be the Lord will take care of me and the baby. After discussing with my husband we have decided to wait 3 to 4 months and then discuss then what we want to do. I do not want to wait much longer but really all of that is in the Lord's hands. I could start trying after 3 months and still not get pregnant for months. It's really not up to me, it's up to God. But I have peace knowing he really does want me to have the desires of my heart. I just have to trust that the Lord knows what's best. And I'm learning to do that again one step at a time. It also took my a while but now I know the Lord did not take my baby from me. There is a difference in the Lord allowing something to happen and him actually doing something to us. God never does anything to hurt us, he loves us.

Bathsheba

Most people have heard of the bible story David and Goliath. The little boy who slew the big Giant and then went on to become King. And I assume most people have heard about the affair he had with Bathsheba. But if I'm wrong in assuming you know, I will elaborate on this story a bit. David, one night, saw a beautiful woman bathing on her balcony. He asked one of his men to go get her so he could sleep with her. Well they did, women in those times didn't have much choice about anything. He slept with Bathsheba (that was the woman's name) and she ended up pregnant. Turns out Bathsheba was married. David decided the whole solution to this was to have her husband murdered in battle and then take Bathsheba as his wife. I know, pretty graphic. However through all of this David was still considered a man after God's own heart, by God himself. Shows what a merciful God we serve now doesn't it?

Anyway to move on with the story, Bathsheba gave birth to a son. 7 days later her son died. Now the story goes on to say how David mourned for so many days then picked himself up and said it's time to go on, he his not coming back to us. we will go meet him one day.

My mom and I were talking about this the other day and she brought up such a good point. No where in the bible does it say how Bathsheba felt about losing her son, no where does it say how she handled the pain and the heartache. Because if it did I think it could have helped so many that have gone through the exact same thing that Bathsheba did. Even though David's part does help me, not as much as it would help a man. I know the writer was a male though, so I will forgive him! lol.

You see, men and women are so different when it comes to emotions and getting through tough times. My husband has been so strong through all of this. I know he needs me too, and because I know he needs me to I feel as though I HAVE to be strong through all of this. For everyone else. But the truth is I don't want to be strong through this. I was to crawl up in my bed, never work again and just sleep through my life. That's how I feel, and that's what I want. But I can't do that, life goes on. But how? How does it go on?

How did Bathsheba handle the death of her child after carrying him, and feeling so connected to him? I know she went on to have other children, but was it ever the same? She however had to endure much more heartache. You see Bathsheba had to endure the loss of her husband that she loved as well. Because she was pregnant. Then she goes on to lose the baby after all. She must have hurt so bad. Did she want to curl up in the bed and never come out? I am betting she did. But my guess is she went on to live her life. One day at a time with the help of the Lord. And that is what I'm leaning on. Because I do  not think I could get through this if I didn't have the Lord.

David Jury

Have you ever felt a feeling as though something is missing? A feeling so deep inside you, that you just can't understand it? It's a physical feeling, as though there is a hole in your heart and no matter what you just can't fill it. I have never felt that way, atleast not until this past December.

There is a picture in my living room, above my couch. The picture says "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

My husband and I have been married for almost two years. The first year of our marriage we started trying for a baby. Oh how I wanted a baby, I have ever since I could remember. I absolutely adore children and the one thing I want more than anything is to be a mother. The Lord knows and gives us the desires of our hearts, right?

We tried for over a year with no luck. I did not understand, but I trusted in the Lord anyway. In June of 2011 we went to the doctor to see if everything was ok with me. Turned out everything was. This brought so much relief to me. I had an ultrasound to make sure my uterus was ok. It was. My mom was with me, and the ultrasound technician actually told me I was ovulating then. She joked that I needed to run home and have sex with my husband. I of course did not take that as a joke, and listened to her. A couple weeks later I took a pregnancy test, and then I took two more, and then I went to the doctor and took another. God had finally showed me favor and I was pregnant! I was so excited I told everyone. This was our first child, my parents first grandbaby. It was going to be so spoiled and I could hardly wait to start showering my love and kisses on it. 9 months couldn't come soon enough.

I had a pretty normal pregnancy. The morning sickness, though horrible, was pretty normal, so I'm told. I threw up 4 to 5 times a day and was nauseous all day long. this lasted 4 monthsI grew, my doctor's appointments were all normal. I had an over all healthy pregnancy with no complications. At 20 weeks we found out we were having a little boy. My husband was beyond thrilled, and I was also very excited. We picked the name David out, after David from the bible, and we anxiously awaited the birth of our little miracle.

On December 9, 2011 I was at a christmas party for the church ladies at my mom's. I was feeling good, just tired, when suddenly my back and stomach started having this awful pain in it. I started feeling nauseous and crampy. I moved off to a room by myself so i didn't draw any attention to me. I called my husband into the room and told him something just did not feel right, this was not normal. We went to the ER and everything started happening so fast. The ER sent me upstairs to labor and delivery. They then called my doctor and the labor and delivery doctor. One of the nurses took my BP, then took it again, then took it again. She then went and got another machine and took it again, and then one more time. My blood pressure was 197/120. The nurses took my blood, and performed multiple other tests as quickly as possible. The doctors came in and talked to me, they seemed so concerned. But I was calm. When all the tests came back it showed that I had toxemia. My mom had toxemia with my older brother, I still wasn't nervous. I kept saying "The will of God never takes you where the grace of God does not protect you." That was my comfort.

The doctor ordered a steroid shot for the baby, "just in case" and then asked if were "indianapolis people" or "cincinnati people". Cincinnati of course is what we said! My husband was pacing, he was nervous. he's never still anyway but this pacing was on a whole new level for him. I asked him, what does the sign above our couch say? He looked at me with a little smile and said I know, you are right. They loaded me into the ambulance and took me to Good Sam. That was the longest night of my life. When the nurses at Good Sam finally got me checked in, performed all the tests they needed, and hooked me up to all the machines, it was around 3:00 or 4:00 o'clock in the morning. I was exhausted but I could not sleep, who sleeps in a hospital anyway? My mom, my dad, and my husband stayed in the room with me. The next morning brought some more tests. Sunday brought even more tests. They were worried about the baby, they gave me another round of steroids "just in case". The doctor, there was a new one everyday, said he wanted to try and get me to 28 weeks, although he didn't see that happening. He told me and my family to prepare ourselves for an early delivery. I was still calm, peaceful, the Lord was in control, I knew that.

Monday morning I was sent down to ultrasound as soon as they opened, my mom, and my husband were there with me. My Dad came a little later.They never left my side through the whole weekend, thank the Lord for a wonderful family. The ultrasound technician seemed really concerned. There on the screen was my beautiful baby boy. I smiled, I created that, my husband and I created him. I could not wait to hold him, and kiss him. He was our gift from the Lord. The technician asked me if we had a name picked out, we said David. She smiled and went out to get yet another doctor. I had meet this doctor earlier in the week, she was very kind. She ran some tests and I could tell by their whispering that something wasn't right. Soon they turned to me and said that David wasn't getting all the oxygen he needed, he was also not getting most of everything else he needed. My placenta, because of my toxemia, was not growing the way it should, was not providing for my baby the way it should, and because of this David was not growing the way he should. I was at 27 weeks but he was developed like he was at the 24 week mark. The best choice would be to deliver David and to prepare myself because he was going to be really tiny 1 Ib 7 oz is what the tech estimated. For the first time all weekend I broke down in tears. I felt as though I couldn't protect my baby boy and that broke my heart.

The next two hours were a blur, I was taken to the operating room, given the epidural, my husband came in, he was nervous, but I was calm. What does the picture above our couch say, I asked him. Within ten minutes my baby boy was out of me. The NICU took him, I couldn't see him but my husband could. He looked at me and said "he has a full head of black hair" I said what? nuh huh you are kidding. The nurse told us at this stage he wouldn't have any hair. Well she was wrong. When I finally got to see David I saw he had a full head of black hair and he was the most beautiful baby I had every seen. I was in love, my husband was in love, and proud, my parents were in love. Even my brother was in love. David was a miracle. For a week I stayed in the hospital and I went to the NICU as much as possible to see my precious baby. I longed to hold him, but I could only touch him. Friday I went home. I went back to cinci to see David, sat. I went back, sunday I went back with my mom and my husband. David had being doing so well. Gaining weight, breathing more and more on his own. I was so proud of my baby boy. I hoped soon I would get to hold him. Sunday, December 18 my mom and me and my husband arrived at the hospital. The hospital had called right before and told me they were concerned because David had a spot on his lungs, he was having to work a little harder to breathe.

When we arrived at the NICU we spoke to the Doctor. he told me everything he had said on the phone, but I remained optimisitic. Little David had finally opened his eyes and he was staring right at us. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. Everything is going to be fine, I told my husband, he is going to have bad days, they told us that was normal. My husband agreed and left to take his dad to the bus stop, my mom left to go get a soda. The nurse asked me to move (I was holding david's hand) so they can give him blood. I went to the wall and sat down, 10 minutes passed and all of a sudden there were 10 nurses around David's incubator along with some doctors. I knew something was going on but I just didn't know what. A nurse came over and sat down next to me, she looked sad, I remember thinking. She looked at me and said is there anyone here with you that you can call? I told her where my husband and mom went. She said, "you need to call them, is there a priest or a preacher you want to call." I just stared at her. What? I said, what are you talking about? David is fine, he was just fine, what are you saying? she looked at me and said "It is not looking good" with sympathy in her eyes, I know she was being kind but I had a strong urge to smack her. Of course I didn't. Instead I got up and went to the hallway in a panic, looking for someone, anyone. She followed, saying something about how I really needed to come back. my mom was there, thank God. She grabbed my hand and the nurse kept saying how bad it was. My mom asked the question I was took scared to ask, "Is he dying?" The nurse nodded her head, we believe so she said. We walked back into the NICU together and watched them work on my baby. my husband came and held my hand. Sobbing I kept saying to myself "no, no the Lord wouldn't give me David just to take him away from me, I don't understand, no no no" 40 minutes later a doctor came and said it was not looking good, and asked if I wanted to hold my baby while he was still alive. Of course I did, that was all I had wanted all week. My husband and I walked over to the incubator. There laid my sweet baby boy, but he was discolored, from being down so long, the sight made me hurt, I lost it. I was his mother, I was supposed to protect him, I remember thinking, but I couldn't, not from this.

The doctor told us we had a decision to make. We could keep David alive on the machines, until he got better, but because he had been down so long he may be brain damaged or we could take him off the machines and let him go. I couldn't make myself speak. This was not happening. How is a mother supposed to make this kind of decision? I held my baby, he looked so fragile. I asked the doctor to give me a minute, and I told the Lord that I could not make this decision. My husband told me to make it, my mom told us to make it with our hearts. I looked at my husband and said baby, I can't make this decision. A minute later David's heart rate started dropping, the doctor came over and said "it looks like you do not have to make this decision after all." They took David off all the machines and gave us a private room, by that time my Dad was there. My brother was on his way, sometime our pastor and his wife came. All I could think was how angry at God I was. Why did he give me my baby just to take him away? When he knew how badly I wanted him. How badly we all wanted him. I was angry, I did not talk. I sat and held my sweet baby until he passed away in my arms. I continued to hold him, we all held him. I stayed angry. Until I got home. I was laying in bed in the middle of the night in pain that I had never felt before. No mother should ever have to go through losing their child, but it happens all to often. I was angry at God, I kept asking him why. When suddenly God reminded me of what I have been saying all week, "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." His ways are not our ways, he is the God who gives and takes away. Why? I have no idea. but he is, and He is still the Lord. I couldn't deny him even if I wanted to.

Yes I am still in pain, and yes I still have moments where I'm mad. But the Lord can handle my anger, he knows my pain. He gave us baby David for a season, a time, and in that time David touched more lives than most people do in a lifetime. He healed relationships, without saying a word, and he showed us all love. I do not know why the Lord gave me David if I wasn't going to be able to keep him, but I am thankful he did. Because for a week I was able to cherish my baby boy. I know one day I will see him again, and until then I will lean onto the Lord to help me walk through this.