My heart's desire has always been to have a child. So when my child was taken from me, my trust in anything and everything wanted to instantly go out the window. Of course my trust in alot of things, like my husband and my family, stayed put. It was mainly my trust in the fact that the Lord knows and cares about the desires of my heart, that was shaken. Yes I know the Lord loves me. I've always known that. But was it really true that the Lord knows the desires I have? Was it really true that he wanted the same things for me that I wanted? I had a strong urge to stop believing that anything I wanted really mattered to the Lord. If it did he wouldn't have taken my child, right?
After this happened in December I started an inner debate with myself. A debate on whether I should wait to try for another child or not. I had an emergency c-section with David and because he was so early and little I had to have a classical c-section on my uterus. That is when they cut u up and down, even though my stomach was cut bikini cut which is right to left. I know all the facts about c-sections. I know, the risks involved in getting pregnant too soon afterwards. I know the "advice" that "they" say, whoever they are. However, none of that dismisses my desire to have another child.
I went to the doctor about a week ago. My husband had to work, so my mom went with me. My doctor checked my BP, since it's being monitered and I've been on BP medicine since I delivered David. My main question though going into the doctor was "when can I start trying again?" This was the doctor who was with me at the hospital the night this started. This is the doctor who took my stitches out and cried with me and my mom and husband after David passed away. She was very understanding. She asked if I was on any birth control and I said no, I want to know when I can start trying again, I asked her straight up. She informed me of the concerns of c- section. How I need to be fully healed before I carry another baby and how if I get pregnant again too soon there's a chance my uterus could rupture. She talked about how this could be deadly to me and the baby. Then she looked at me and said the normal suggestion for after c-section is 1 year to 18 months. However she knows this is a completely different situation and her suggestion was no sooner than 3 to 4 months. But she wanted to call the Specialist and get his opinion to.
I was at my moms later that day when the Doctor's office called me. The woman on the phone was kind of callous. She said the Dr. has said 9 months to a year before I "attempt" another pregnancy. I didn't like the tone of her voice. My heart felt as though it was being squeezed. There was no way I wanted to wait that long. It's like I've been waiting forever as it is. I tried to hold the tears back but the instant I told my mom what she said my throat closed up and my eyes flooded with tears. Why was life always so full of waiting?
After I cried, I discussed it with my family. They made me realize what I couldn't before. These were just suggestions. I ultimately made the decision not them. Yes I need to be fully healed but they can't predict what can happen, they can meerly suggest what they think is best. I still didn't know what I was going to do but I felt more like I was in charge of my life and what was going to happen rather than someone who was being told what I had to do.
On Sunday morning me and my family went to church. We are Pentecostal and go to an Assemblies of God church. Our church family is amazing, we love them all so much. Because of what was going on with David and also some personal things that are going on with The Pastor's family- there was a very somber feeling at church sunday morning. Oh but once worship started that all changed. If you have never been to a real full out Pentecostal service I encourage you to try one out. I'm talking about the real thing- the talking in tongues, worshipping your heart out, tongue interpretations, prophesy etc. It's completely amazing. Well, that was how our church service went. Our Pastor did not preach because the Lord was already doing so much. I can't explain it, and unless you've actually experienced it you won't understand it. Well one church lady started speaking in tongues. First she went to the Pastor's family and the Lord was really doing a work in them. I stayed sitting down through this, although I'm not sure why. After a while of speaking in tongues she came over to my pew and motioned for me to come to her. She was praying and speaking in tongues. God was using her to speak to me. Through all of that there was one thing he wanted me to know. He knows my pain and heartache. After she left another lady came over to me and gave me a big hug, she said out of all of that there's one thing the Lord wants me to know "He's healed your womb" is what she said. She had no idea that is what was weighing so heavily on my mind and heart. Hearing that made me start sobbing. So the Lord does know the desires of my heart after all. She also spoke that to my husband.
Hearing that gave me assurance. It gave me peace that when I do get pregnant again, whenever that might be the Lord will take care of me and the baby. After discussing with my husband we have decided to wait 3 to 4 months and then discuss then what we want to do. I do not want to wait much longer but really all of that is in the Lord's hands. I could start trying after 3 months and still not get pregnant for months. It's really not up to me, it's up to God. But I have peace knowing he really does want me to have the desires of my heart. I just have to trust that the Lord knows what's best. And I'm learning to do that again one step at a time. It also took my a while but now I know the Lord did not take my baby from me. There is a difference in the Lord allowing something to happen and him actually doing something to us. God never does anything to hurt us, he loves us.
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