I have not written anything in quite a while.
I wish I could say it was because I have been extremely busy. But I can't because that would be a lie.
The truth is I've been more depressed than busy. I have not been motivated to write anything, to be thankful for anything. I have not had any desire to move on with life but for some reason life is forcing me to keep going forward. So I will have to. I don't have a choice.
First of all I absolutely hate February. So when I'm stuck in the midst of February, especially this year, I feel like I'm drowning in freezing cold water and I can't seem to get out. I'm so glad it's March and we get to see spring approaching.
Everyone has heard of the saying "When it rains it pours". Well it is so true, and I'm not sure why that is but it is. And it sucks. It seems like once David passed away a bunch of bad things started happening with my family and then close friends of my family. I am really hoping it will stop raining soon and we could have a few months or even years with only good things happening :).
I got in a slump. This past Sunday was my breaking point. Saturday night actually. I had an awful night, both my husband and I did. Monday (which was my original due date) was fast approaching. David's headstone went up at the Cemetery on Saturday. I had gone to the doctor a few days before where I got good news and disappointing news all in the same sitting. And AF decided to visit that weekend too. It was all just too much for me to take so I broke.
Beautiful song
Before the Morning by Josh Wilson
First let me write about the doctor's visit. My protein level was down to 24 which is not perfect but a HUGE improvement from where it was in the 140's a month before. Normal is 11, so hopefully at my next visit that's where it will be. That was the great news along with being taken off my blood pressure medicine.. The disappointing news was when my doctor decided to bring up trying for another baby, yet again. You see I thought we had discussed it quite enough. I have talked about it with two doctors and 1 specialist. The first doctor said because she understands my situation she would say 3 or 4 months until I try again from when David was born. Not before then though.. The Specialist said 9 months but he preferred a year. And my doctor at my last visit had said we should wait but if we got pregnant before a year I would be ok. So my husband and I decided March would be when we started trying again. However, at this visit my doctor decided to tell me she agreed very very very strongly with the specialist on having me wait, at least 9 months. Now that is six more months and I know in my head it's not that far away but it makes my heart ache, it seems to long to me. But we discussed it and my husband is worried about my safety and any future babies we may have and we decided (I agreed although i was very disgruntle) that we would wait until September.
So throw that in with my due date approaching, David's headstone going up, and AF showing up, you have a very unhappy Jenna on your hands. It's not that I was unhappy, it was that I was sad. I was depressed. I felt let down. Ben and I have had many prophesies over us about babies, and multiplying. Even before I got pregnant with David. But I started to doubt. Doubt that any of that was true. I started asking why God. Why even give me David if you were going to take him from me. I had my break down in our bathroom, crying and screaming and asking why. My husband standing next to me telling me he didn't know why.
That was my breaking point. I stayed in bed on Sunday morning. My husband tried but he could not get me out of bed to go to church. I said no repeatedly I wasn't going. I wasn't going see all those babies. You see, everyone who was pregnant at the same time as me have had their babies. And some come to church. One in particular was born after David and they named him David also. So whenever that baby is near me I can't help but cry. Because I start thinking about how completely unfair life is and throwing myself a pity party. And boy was I throwing myself a pity party that morning. So no I wouldn't go. I wouldn't go and see those babies, and I wouldn't go and break down in front of everyone and I wouldn't go and have everyone asking me if I was ok or telling me I was so strong because I am not strong.
My husband left and about 1030 my mom came to check on me. She managed to get me out of bed and get me dressed.. We went for a walk, we both cried, and we talked, But it was good to get out. I still wasn't over my sadness but I realized I can't just waste away. Staying in bed and staying down wasn't the answer all it would do is bring me down.
I miss David. Everyday of my life. I know I always will. A part of my heart is missing. However there's so many people out there who have it worse than me. I have a God who loves me and I have to trust in him even when it's hard.
You may pray and pray and pray that the Lord will take your pain away and he may say no. When he says no you need to say ok Lord what is it that you want me to take from this pain and this trial. Because he has a plan, we just might not see it.
I'm still not out of the storm, I'm not out of the darkness yet. But I know I will be ok. The Lord promised me I would be.
No comments:
Post a Comment