Death Certificate

When we went to the funeral home after David died, they asked us if we wanted a copy of his death certificate - they'd order it for us.

We did - I want everything that's associated with David, because I had so little time with him.

Yesterday, they brought me his certificate. They are so great up there at that funeral home.

I had been having a great day. Then receiving the certificate made me sad.

It just reminded me of all the many things I did not get to do with my baby.

Sometimes when I was younger I would go through cemeteries with my mom. Whenever we would go to Gatlinburg  we would always stop at the old churches that have the cemeteries behind them. In those cemeteries and every cemetery I've gone to, there's always been a headstone, or a couple, of a baby. A baby that only lived a few days, a few weeks, and my heart always broke for them.

They didn't get a chance at life, their parents must have been so crushed. I would say to myself. Then I would go about my daily business.

I never for the life of me thought that my tiny baby would only live for a few days.

I never thought that his headstone would read that he was only 6 days old.

I never thought that my baby's headstone would be the one people look at and say "awww he was only 6 days old - I wonder what happened? poor baby, poor family."

On David's death certificate were the "causes of death".

We had an autopsy report done and I talked to the doctor once and I need to call him again. However, I believe he is not going to give me much more than what we don't already know.

One the certificate it stated the causes of death were Prematurity, Respiratory Distress Syndrome, Patent Ductus Areterious, and Sepsis.

So basically what all those words mean is David was born premature, and because he was premature he had under developed lungs, he had a heart valve that was not closed upon birth because he was so early, and his immune system was weak. He caught an infection that caused Sepsis, inflammation of his whole body, and he wasn't able to fight it off.

I often wonder - did the doctors take him off anti-biotics way to soon?  I mean, he was doing great, his heart valve was closing, his breathing was getting better, but he was still less that 2 pounds.

And the day they took him off of anti biotics is the night he caught the infection and 12 hours later he was gone. I know doctors know what they are doing,but they still are only human. Would it have been different if they had left him on anti biotics?

I will never know, and I can't keep asking the same questions because they will not get answered and they will not change a single thing.

But even though I know all of this - it still sucks.

So much.