Roses and Thorns

I am going to get completely real with you for a minute. I struggle quite a bit with resentment. I habor resentment in my heart that I know shouldn't be there. And yes I am a christian. As a christian I struggle, I struggle with the Lord's plan even though I know he has a great plan that I do not know. I have many good days in a row and then all of a sudden a bad day happens. I feel bitterness in my heart towards anyone. I will see someone with a happy family, children, babies usually, and I think "Lord now how is that fair, why did they get to keep their child and I had to loose mine?" I know it's selfish of me to think that way, and I know it's not right. I can't be jealous, but I am.

I get resentful when I see a person have child after child and they don't seem to care one bit for the child, they put them in foster care, or they don't even bother having the child and abort it before it even has a chance. When I see these terrible mothers and terrible fathers having these sweet babies and me, well I didn't even get to keep mine. That makes me resentful. I know it's wrong and I pray every time I start to feel that way for the Lord to help me. Break me to the point where I stop being so selfish.

I have good days yes. but those bad days, those bad days are often. Anything sets me off anymore, it's like my emotions are on the surface. I cry at every show and movie I watch, even if it's not the least bit sad. I cry when I think about anything child related. I know I will eventually get through this storm, but right now i'm in the mist of it. Right now I feel it so raw, everyday, and most moments are almost unbearable. I sometimes ask God what the purpose is. Ask him if I can just come home already, but I know I am here for a reason. If I could crawl into bed and stay there forever I would. But life will go on and force me to go on too.

I know I will have more children. I'm not worried about that. I often get that advice "oh you will have more children, God has a purpose" I know he does, I know that I will have more kids. But I can't just casually shrug off the death of my first child. I know that's not what anyone means, they all love me and it's all said just to comfort me. I had a bad day today, I pray that tomorrow will be a good day.