The night I lost David I felt angry at God. I had waited so long for my baby. It took my husband and I over a year to even get pregnant. So when I was sitting in that little hospital room, surrounded by my family, holding my precious baby. I looked into his eyes and saw the life slipping out of him, I continued my argument with the Lord. It was the same argument I had with him over and over again when my husband and I were trying to concieve. And then it started back up when I stood in the NICU watching them work on my baby, fighting to keep him alive. It just escalated into something more. I kept saying to the Lord, why would you take my baby from me, why would you give him to me and then take him from me. You knew I wanted him, you knew I would love him and take good care of him. Why give him to me if you knew you were going to take him from me. I was mad. I wanted so badly to say Lord I'm done. But you see, even if I wanted to leave the Lord, I couldn't, I could never deny God. I know he's real. I may not agree with all that has happened in my life but I know the Lord is real, I know this because he healed me 7 years ago.
When I was 11 years old I was diagnosed with scoliosis. It is pretty common, however it causes severe pain. Atleast it did for me whenever I stood for long periods of time, my back would constantly hurt. I had an S curve in my spine. I would get xray after xray. The s curve never went away and by the time I was 17, I had reached the height I would be for the rest of my life and the s curve was still there. The doctors said it wasn't severe enough to do surgery, I would just have to live with it.
One sunday morning during church when I was 17 we had a guest speaker. An evangelist. During worship he started praying for people, by then I had been standing for quite some time and needed to sit. My back had started hurting really bad. Shortly after i sat down the evangelist said he felt like the Lord wanted him to pray for someone with scoliosis. I thought maybe I should go up, but then I had been prayed for many times before in my life and I was never healed. So I told myself I wouldn't go up unless the Lord led someone to tell me to go up. I stayed seated. Not long after, my mom came over and said I should go get prayer. So I thought alright, what's one more guy praying for me anyway. So I went up to the speaker. I closed my eyes fully expecting him just to pray a prayer. Instead he told me to sit on the pew. He said keep your eyes open I want you to see this. He asked for my feet and I gave them to him. He pointed out how one leg was shorter than the other due to the curve. He started praying and as he prayed my legged stretched out and I felt a pop in my back. I fully believed I had been healed. It was a miracle.
A few weeks later I was at cheerleading practice and during a stunt I was dropped in a way where I landed on my head. I went to urgent care and they did xrays. It turned out I had a bruise on my strenum and a fractered veterbre. But the amazing thing was what happened when the doctor brought in my xrays. He was showing them to me and my mom and dad. I said is that really my spine? He said "yes, isn't it beautiful? Your spine is straight as a pine, you have a spine most people would want." He had no idea I had, had scoliosis. I couldn't believe it, I had believed the Lord had healed me, but right there, that was my proof.
So you see, the Lord works miracles. One tragedy in my life can not erase a wonderful healing that has also happened in my life. So even though I was mad at God, and still at times I feel angry, I can't turn my back. Because if I choose to be that selfish, I know I would only be lying to myself. The Lord can take my anger. But I know he loves me. He loves me so much he sent his son to die for me. Can you imagine? Giving up your only child to save humanity?
That is true love.
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