Life

Throughout this past month and a half I have been told multiple times that I am strong. I just nod my head. The truth is I'm not strong at all. I'm just really good at faking it around people. There are days where I feel better and then there are days where I don't feel like going on anymore. Today is one of those days.

Today is one of those days where I didn't even want to get out of bed. I just wanted to lay in my bed and sleep all the monthes away. If that's even possible. I never remember a day where I didn't want to get out of bed, unless I was sick. To me life has always been a blessing. There was one other day where I didn't want to get out of bed and I ended up sleeping the day away. That was when my husband and I where dating and he told me he "just wanted to be friends". But this, this feeling I have is 100x worse than it was that day. This is an unbearable feeling. People keep saying it will get better but I don't see it getting better. I see it getting worse.

You know I am a relatively good person. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I don't cheat on my husband. I try to be as unselfish as I can be. I try my best to be kind to everyone I come in contact with. I would drop everything in an instant and help someone if they asked me to. My husband is a great man and a hard worker. My mom is completely unselfish and a wonderful mother to her children, wife to her husband, and friend to everyone else. My dad, he's one of the hardest workers I know (along with my husband) and he's always taken great care of his family. And the one thing any of them have ever wanted, the one thing I have ever truly wanted was my son. That's it. And we didn't get to keep him. Why not? It's so unfair and that's all I keep thinking today.

Yes I will go on. Yes time will move on and I will be forced to keep going, even when I don't want to. I will lean on the Lord even though today it's really hard. But I will keep doing it. I have no choice.