Moving Foward is harder than they say..

Today I did one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Besides watch my own son pass away.

My husband and I live in a three bedroom house. One of the rooms I had converted into my husband's office a long time ago. I felt like he needed a space to write his sermons and study. The other extra room had been serving as a play room for the kids I take care of. When I found out I was pregnant I slowly started converting the playroom into David's room. When David passed away the NICU at Good Sam gave us a couple bags full of his stuff that we had up at the hospital, things he used. For example they gave us the blankets he was wrapped in, the hats he wore and the pacy he sucked on. They also gave us the things we had up at the hospital for him. A few blankets, a bear, etc. They gave me a box of his footprints, a piece of his hair, his thumbprints, and more. Well when I came home the night of Dec. 18th I placed all those bags and the box in the play room and shut the door.

I knew I eventually would have to clean out that room and convert it back to a play room. Since I've been off of work I've had so many ideas of how I want to do the room. But I wouldn't make myself go back in that room and look through those things. It was too painful. I am off of work for one more week and then I'm starting back up again. I knew I needed to get a start on that room.

So today I opened the bags and the box and decided where I wanted to put all of David's things. I put away all the clothes we had bought for him, The blankets, and the stuffed animals. This was the second hardest thing I've ever done. For me I wasn't simply putting away clothes and toys and blankets. I was putting away a dream I had. To me, putting these things up signaled something. No I"m not saying bye to my son, I know he's in heaven and I will one day get to see him again. But I"m saying goodbye to all the hopes I had for David, all the things I had planned, all the dreams I had dreamed up.

I know I will have more children, but this, putting away these things makes my heart ache.