Lost and Found

OH, How true this quote is!

This is how I feel,

Lost.

I feel as though I wake up, go about my day in a fog, and then go to bed. Get up and do it all over again.

It's been quite a while since I've written something new. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. I have plenty to write. It's that I have no motivation to do a single thing, including writing. Oh and there are so many things I need to be doing. It just seems like the more life goes and and pushes me forward the more I resist. I don't want to go forward. I don't want the months to keep going, not without my son. But they have to. So I get up, force myself through each day. and then start all over again.

It's not like I don't have things I need to do. I need to start losing weight. My friends wedding is in a month and I can only get my bridesmaid dress to zip up half way. I need a swift kick in the butt and get into gear. I need motivation to get organized. I need motivation to clean my house and stay on top of cleaning. There's so much I NEED to do. But I do not have the MOTIVATION to do it.

Well today I am attempting a change. I can't go through life being down in the dumps. The Lord doesn't want that. It brings everyone else down, and I don't want everyone around me sad because I'm sad. I want to be myself again, but I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I'm my old self. If this is the case then I can be a newer version of me. A better, stronger me.

I have to face each day one day at a time and make a concious decision to begin to put myself back together. Yes there are some pieces missing. Pieces that will always be missing. However that doesn't mean I have to go through life like it's a burden. I don't want to do that. I want to be joyful, happy, loving. peaceful.

I am in a funk and can't seem to get out.

I don't know if I would call it depression. I don't know if maybe I'm just in denial on how I feel and trying to hide it. But either way I know I have to get through it. I have no choice. Each day I spend being sad and distant is a day I waste. Oh yes, a part of me will probably always be sad. I miss David, how could I not be? But I can't let that define me. I need to find myself.

Like the quote says "Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves".

Well that's what I'm going to attempt to do.

Find myself.

Starting today.