After a person loses a baby we sometimes think it is our job to help them "out of their grief". But the fact is, it is not our job. Everyone grieves in their own way, at their own speed. Today, I decided to look up things you should not say to a person who has lost a baby. They were all very good and true. So I have decided to compile my own list. Everything on this list I have dealt with in some way, Sadly, whether these phrases have been said to me or these things been done in some way. Each of these things my family and I have experienced after losing David. Sometimes we should just take a few seconds before we open our mouths and think about what we are about to say or do.
What not to say to someone whose just lost a baby. Whether it be due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or prematurity, or another reason.
1.
It was God's will - This is a phrase I have heard many times over. While I am a Christian and I do believe in God's will, this did not help one bit. No grieving parent wants to hear that the loss of their child was in God's "plan". This offers little to no comfort. It also just makes them more upset that "God's plan" did not include their child, after that child was given to them.
2.
It was probably for the best - First of all how do you know what is the "best"? Second of all how is losing someone you love for the "best"? You wouldn't say this to someone who had just lost their parent, or grandparent. You would not say this to someone who was just diagnosed with a disease. No parent wants to hear that the loss of their baby was some how for the best. Who is it better for? Them? The baby? This is simply not a good phrase to use.
3.
There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway - First of all -
ouch. I've heard this phrase a couple of times. This is never, in any circumstance, the right thing to say to someone who just lost their baby. This phrase tries to minimize the parents pain and tries to make it "ok" that their baby died. The grieving parents do not care if anything was wrong with their baby. The only thing they want is to hold their child. They would have cheerfully welcomed any kind of special needs baby into their home. Because they love their baby unconditionally.
4.
The baby is in a better place now - Yes, this is true. But the grieving parents want their baby here - with them. This is a child they dreamed about, loved, and wanted. To hear that the place their child is now at, is way better than being here with them, hurts. It is true, but hurts nonetheless. Do not say this to anyone who have just lost their baby.
5.
You will have more children - first of all, you're not a fortune teller. You do not know the future. You do not know if this couple will in fact have more children. Secondly, do not try to cheer the parents up by minimizing the importance of their child's existance. This child that they lost is important to them. They wanted
this child. Not just
a child.
6.
Atleast you know you can get pregnant -
WOW you hit the nail right on the head! The whole reason I concieved this child was to, in fact, figure out if I can have a child. It was to enjoy the pregnancy only. All the nausea, throwing up, backaches, sleepless night. All the fatigue and cramping and growing. That was all for fun. I did all that so I could see
IF I could conceive. Who cares about the baby in the end. Wrong. Do not say this to a person whose going through a loss of a baby. It is thoughtless. Of course they know they can get pregnant. They spent
months being pregnant. It's not the pregnancy that is important. It is the baby.
7.
When are you going to start trying again - You do not know if this couple even wants more children. And if they do, you do not know if there was any complications or reasons why they have to wait in order to start trying again. And really, it's not any of your business. The couple needs time to grieve before they think of bringing another,
different, life into this world. Now for me this wasn't a big deal, I did get asked this quite a bit, but it was really the way people asked it. Some people had a tendancy of asking this in a rude way that completely dismissed David like he wasn't important. Steer clear of doing this to your friend or family member, because it can hurt.
8.
Do not attempt to give advice on what she can do "better for the next pregnancy" - do not assume that because their baby passed away, it was somehow the mom's fault or something she did during the pregnancy. Things happen. Infections happen. Deaths happen. Someone can have a very healthy pregnancy and then something happens, out of the blue. Do not make the mother feel as though it was her fault her baby is gone. More than likely she is already struggling with guilt and feels as though it was something she did. When in fact it was NOT her fault. Things happen. Some things happen with absolutely no reason behind it. I'm going to share a personal experience.
After losing David I already felt vulnerable and guilty. I felt as though I could not protect him. I was his mother, I should have been able to protect him, right? But he got an infection. Something that was out of my control. I had family, doctors, and friends telling me it was NOT my fault. It took awhile for me to actually realize they were right. Then one day I received an envelope in the mail. It was from a lady that my husband knew. I, on the other hand, had never heard of this woman before and she
certainly did not know me. Well there was a five page letter in there to me and my husband. This letter talked about some surgery she had, completely unrelated to what happened with me and David and she talked about how her body was full of toxins. Well she went on to say that since I had pre eclampsia (also known as Toxemia) my body was just full of toxins and I need to do all I could to get rid of those toxins. She also enclosed some pamphlets about how to get rid of these toxins and advertising some juice that was supposed to be the "cure". She obviously had no idea what Toxemia really was, and did little to no research on it. She just assumed. Needless to say I threw away the letter and the pamphlets. And I did not write her a thank you card.
Do not. I repeat DO NOT assume that what happened with the pregnancy and the baby was the mom's fault. and DO NOT under any circumstances make her feel as though the death of her child had anything to do with something SHE DID. She's already struggling with enough guilt and pain. Don't cause any more.
What not to do when a person has just lost a baby.
1.
Do not ignore it, or make the parents (or family) feel like it did not happen. - There is nothing worse in this situation than making the parents feel as though the loss of their child was not important. There is nothing worse than ignoring what happened. I know it can be awkward. People feel weird discussing a loss of a child because they do not want to bring up pain or cause the person to cry. Trust me, the parent (or grandparent) cries everyday anyway. Talk about the baby they lost with them. It is important that you remember the baby. It is important that you talk about him/her with the parents. And it is important that they know you consider their baby important. Because their baby IS important.
2.
Do not minimize their pain - Do not compare their pain and their loss to the loss of someone else. Any loss is important. And losing a child, whether a baby, or a grown adult, is the hardest loss anyone can go through. Because it's unnatural. Whether it was a miscarriage or stillbirth or something else, they lost
their child. Do not minimize their pain or make them feel in anyway that they shouldn't feel the way they do. Because they have a right to. They lost someone who was a part of them. Pain is never comparable.
3.
Do not bring babies/children to "cheer the grieving parents up" - It is insensitive and rude to bring your baby, especially if that baby is an infant, around the grieving parents. They may not say anything to you about it, but trust me it just makes their pain even more unbearable to see you holding your perfectly healthy baby, when they cannot hold theirs. Leave all children at home when you go to comfort someone who is suffering a loss of a baby.
4.
Do not surprise them by announcing you're pregnant in a crowd - Yes your pregnancy should be celebrated. Every life and baby is a miracle and a joy. However, to a person who has lost a child. This hurts. Do not be hurt if they do not celebrate with you. Or if they have a difficult time being around you while you are pregnant and after you have your baby. Do not surprise them by announcing you are pregnant in front of a bunch of people. When they are around a lot of people they have to put on a smile and congratulate you and act happy for you. Yes I'm sure they are happy for you, but they are also hurting. Call them on the phone personally or text them when they are alone. Or better yet allow someone else to tell them. That way they can get away and cry if they have to. Because when they hear you are pregnant they are going to relive the fact that they are not pregnant and do not have their baby.
5.
Do not be upset if they "hide" you or defriend you off of facebook if you are pregnant- I'm going to be honest. There are alot of people in my life who are pregnant and recently had babies. Quite a few of them are friends of mine on facebook. And every single one of them are hidden off my newsfeed. And no I am not sorry that they are. My pain is very real. Nothing hurts sharper than logging on to facebook and seeing a bunch of status updates about someone's pregnancy, their growing belly, their smiling newborns. It's all too much and too painful. So do not take offense to this. Yes your baby is important too. But seeing your growing belly and smiling infants just reminds them that they cannot hold their baby like you can yours.
6.
Do not rush their grief - Everyone grieves at a different speed. Do not try to rush them out of their grief or try to make them feel as though they need to get over it right away. Because they won't ever get over losing their child. It is not something "to get over" And you trying to rush them out of their pain just makes them feel as though they don't have a right to grieve.
7.
Do not be offended if they are not as sympathetic to your "little problems" - This is a major one. Unless you have some earth shattering event happen to you, do not bring your problems to your friend or family member who has just lost their baby. Chances are you will not get very much sympathy from them. Sure they might act like they care, but truth be told they do not want to hear about how your boyfriend just broke your heart for the third time in a row. Or how this person at work is just annoying the crap out of you. So unless it's truly important, do not seek advice from someone who is grieving. Go to someone else. This person already has enough on their plate, they do not need your petty stuff too.
8.
Do not think that because the person they lost was a baby they should just be OK and move on. - This is a BIG one. People have this attitude that since you "just" lost a baby you should be OK. They assume that since your baby was not here for very long that it's not really something to grieve over. Well this thinking is wrong. From the moment that + sign showed up on the pregnancy test the parents, grandparents, and family members fell in love with that baby. They thought about the baby's life. About holding him/her. They dreamed about kissing their baby and loving on him/her. Do not assume that they can just "get over" their loss. The loss of anyone is painful. But the loss of a baby? a child? It's so much more than painful. It's an ache no one should ever have to feel. Do not take that from the parents. From the family. Do not act like the baby was not important because his life got cut short. The baby's life was still a life. And their life is IMPORTANT.
These are just some things that have happened to me since losing David. I am sure there are more. If I think of any more I will write them down. Please feel free to write anything you can think of to not say or do in the comments :).
